


Walk The Distance

by everythingisgay



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, F/F, Gen, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Minor Aromantic Character, Multi, Teen love, all ships other than lipsoul are very minor, high school setting, no actual slurs used, no actual title for town just called 'Homophobia Town', referenced homophobia, theyre so in love but fuck their town
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24671467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingisgay/pseuds/everythingisgay
Summary: Secrets are like presents, you just want to unravel them and see what is hiding underneath the pretty wrapping.Jungeun and Jinsol live in what is kindly known as one of the most homophobic towns in all of South Korea.  And they're in love with each other.This causes a bit of a problem, of course.or:Jungeun and Jinsol are desperately in love and everyday they dream of a future where they don't have to hide - until it finally becomes a reality.
Relationships: Jeon Heejin/Kim Hyunjin, Jeon Heejin/Kim Jiwoo | Chuu, Jo Haseul/Viian Wong | ViVi, Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 13
Kudos: 147





	Walk The Distance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Birthday Girl](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Birthday+Girl).



> Well! It's done! It's not my best wrk by any means at all. But i did it! Here is 20k of Lipsoul, for the birthday girl whom this is dedicated to. i love you so much!!!
> 
> (this may be edited at a later date).

Junegun knows being in love should be different. That she shouldn’t have to hide behind a door, Jinsol there by her side, looking at her like everything was finally _right_ in the world, only for it to be torn apart a few moments later when the lights are turned on. 

Secrets were secrets, and Jungeun hated keeping secrets, but this one….they didn’t have a choice. Secrets were kept to feel safe, and Lord knows that if Jinsol and Jungeun told a soul, they wouldn’t even know the meaning of ‘safety’. 

It wasn’t a small town, it was the whole damn world. 

The whole world would kill the two of them, and Jungeun knew that they were killing themselves in the process anyway. Jungeun hated being in love, hated loving Jinsol just as much as she fucking adored the feeling of being in love. She had never understood how it felt, to love, and be loved, and have it feel _good._ She hadn’t thought Jinsol would twirl into her life, hair flying around against the wind that night a year ago, and she would fall in love. But it was Jinsol, and everything about Jinsol was….she wasn’t sure how to explain it. It just felt good, being in love. It felt perfect, knowing that Jinsol and her had each other because at least they were terrified together, and not apart.

She wouldn’t be able to cope if they were apart. Not if she could help it - and she would damn well try to keep them hidden, but together. She knows Jinsol feels the exact same. 

They’re eighteen, desperate for freedom, and so so exhausted of hating themselves while simultaneously being so passionately in love it could cut open their hearts and knock them clean. 

Jungeun thinks that if people weren’t so close-minded, they wouldn’t hate them because love only comes around this perfectly in your life a few times. Jungeun thinks it’s fucking powerful that she met Jinsol when she was seventeen, on the cusp of a disaster, and had somehow been shocked into revival. But that was Jinsol for you. She could make anything make sense, and Jungeun had never had anything make as much as sense as being in love with Jinsol. 

But this was life, and Jungeun knew that despite all her beautiful thoughts about living with Jinsol for the rest of her life, running off to college, leaving the country and building a new life together was insanely fruitless in most respects. You can’t escape hatred, especially if it’s self-inflicted, too. 

She has two months until they graduate, and all Jungeun wants to do is bring Jinsol home and watch a movie, head in her girlfriend’s lap. But parents, and affection - they don’t mix well. She would resolve that with the bedroom, turning on a movie while she and Jinsol just lie down. But they’re lying all the same because there’s a gap they can’t bridge and each sound they hear makes them fly apart. 

Mid Cuddle, Jungeun would have to push her girlfriend away because the floorboards creaked, or she would have to sit so far away they might as fucking well just not even be in the same room. But they’re _desperate._ So fucking desperate that sometimes they take the chance, and it’s not like they’ve ever gotten caught - they’re too careful. But, no, they’re no such thing as being too careful when it comes to their lives, their relationship when it could all go down the drain. 

They have very little to hold onto other than each other. They knew the reality of where their parents love would halt, and they refused to keep loving parents who wouldn't love them back. It's terrifying, knowing the people who brought you into this world with love, could stop loving you because of how you love someone else. They know they will always have to keep trying to not love their parents, despite it all.

Jungeun thinks, in the grand scheme of things, they’re doing okay. They have two months left, and they’re both practically signed on for college - it’s perfect, the way it worked. 

And Jungeun works, so does Jinsol. They work hard, weekends busy, down the road from each other but so fucking far apart it could feel like lightyears apart because Jungeun cannot walk into the pet shop and hand Jinsol a hot chocolate or a muffin, can’t kiss her on the cheek and tell her that she loves her. And Jinsol will never be able to look at Jungeun so blatantly because Jinsol cannot hold back her expressions, the way her eyes open just a little wider, how her body leans into Jungeun so naturally. They never talk about how they had tried to unlearn it. Except, that it was impossible. You can’t unlearn love. 

Two months. 60 days. One thousand four hundred and sixty hours. Jinsol had done the maths. 

Jungeun and Jinsol are smart. They know they are. They’re smart, smooth and careful. So very careful that they try and not sit with each other at the lunch table, that when they walk down the hallways together there’s a small gap, and that when the other speaks they try not to look because apparently to some that’s enough to have a rumour spiralling out of control. 

So school is okay, it’s never been a problem. They have friends, well...friends, they suppose, that they will never talk to in two months because none of them applied to their college, and they had never been so relieved about that in their lives. They could get away from it all and no one would follow. 

The hilarious thing about it all is that none of their friends are truly bad people. They’re just ignorant, mislead, and uninformed among other things. But they’re kind. They take _care_ of each other. When one’s in trouble, the rest will run in to save them. Like the one time Kangmin had tried to harass Yuna into a date, and Jinsol had gone hell for fucking leather because if there was one thing that boys had been taught, it was the word no. So why didn’t they fucking get it? 

It’s sort of ironic, how such a backwards society can at least understand the word ‘no’ until it’s said when they don’t want to hear it. But Kangmin is one of the bad guys, among many that hid in plain sight. And even when Jaeho had confessed to Jungeun last year and she had shaken her head, apologising, he had said it was okay. He had smiled, gave her a big thumbs up and that was that. Jaeho was one of the ‘good’ guys, and Jungeun had no problems with being his friend. He was kind and so insanely hilarious - and open minded. He was accepting, didn’t question things the way others did. He sent her memes at 2 am, knowing Jungeun was still awake, and he had said time and time again ‘you’re a good friend’ just to remind her that he didn’t expect anything from her. And Jungeun had never appreciated a guy more in her life until she had met Jaeho. 

She was going to miss him. She was going to miss everyone. But she knew she would be missing out on a lot more if she kept hiding behind locked doors, the curtains drawn shut so that she and Jinsol could spend just one night together, holding each other because they can only be in love in the dark. 

It’s one of _those_ nights, they’re on a holiday break, and Jungeun was over at Jinsol’s because her parents were visiting her older sister across the country and didn’t want their daughter to be left alone. That was fine by both of them, and it had come in handy, of course. 

“Jinsol?” Jungeun had asked, voice loud and clear and it sort of hit her. She didn’t have to whisper, and the curtain wasn’t drawn that far down, and she didn’t have to sit across the room. “Jinsol,” She said again, poking her girlfriend in the side. Jinsol whined, grabbing Jungeuns hand and holding it in her own. 

“Babe, please, the movie…” Jinsol whined, not looking away from the TV screen. That was Jinsol, ever the movie nerd. And then you had Jungeun, who just watched a movie. But Jinsol could rant for hours, and hours, and hours, about concepts and shots, characterisation. Jungeun would always listen. 

There were twenty minutes left in the movie, and Jungeun was fine with waiting. But she was kind of bored, in all honesty. It was one of those films where if you weren’t in the mood for it, it wasn’t that enjoyable. And Jungeun was in the mood for a few things, just not watching a movie. She kind of just wanted to bake some brownies and hang out with her girlfriend for a while before they went to bed. (Had they become some ordinary, domesticated and boring couples? Probably. Does she care? No).

So, Jungeun sighed, shifting closer to her girlfriend and rested her head on the girl’s shoulder, arm splayed over her stomach. She breathed in deeply, closing her eyes as she felt the sensation of Jinsol’s hand rubbing her arm. This was all that Jungeun really wanted. They didn’t get to do this enough and Jungeun couldn’t wait until they could do it forever and ever without fear. 

“Love you,” Jungeun mumbled quietly, hand gripping Jinsols hoodie pocket, tugging Jinsol a little closer. Jinsol shifts easily, body moving carefully, leaning into Jungeun so gently. She pulls Jungeun just as close, lets Jungeun rest against her, holds her close and diverts her eyes from the TV screen to look down at her girlfriend. 

“I love you too,” Jinsol replies softly, kissing her fingertip and tapping it against Jungeun's cheek. Jungeun moves away a little, brown hair pushed back and eyes open wide, looking up at her girlfriend with that look that’s only reserved for the secrets of late nights. Jinsol feels it in her chest, the little thump, careful but unrelenting, how it gets stronger, almost as if her heart will explode with the amount of joy she feels looking at Jungeun. If there was one thing better than a movie, it was Jungeun. And then, above all, there’s the small sound that Jungeun makes, a babyish squeak like the first time a kitten meows, and it makes Jinsol melt because Jungeun is just, so shy. So, so shy. 

Jinsol thinks, fuck the movie, and kisses Jungeun because they won’t be able to do this for a while. She leans down, hand cupping her girlfriend’s cheek, and kisses her softly. They’ve kissed more times than Jinsol could count - summer was the best time for it to be done freely, seeing as the two had gone away together to Jungeun's family home down the country. There’s a certain feeling of freedom, being able to kiss in the living room instead of hidden away. Her eyes are closed, and she can hear nothing but the little breaths Jungeun takes, the inhales so gentle as she matches the feeling, the movements. There’s no heat at first, it’s just a small kiss, really. But small can become bigger quite quickly because Jinsol realises that she’s moving her hands, pulling Jungeun even closer and she _stops._ She stops because she isn’t sure, and as much as she wants a little more, she also knows it’s time to stop for now. Jungeun pulls away, a little whine at the back of her throat and she looks at Jinsol, eyes starry with happiness, her smile is so wide, and Jinsol giggles because only Jungeun could look like _that_ after everything. 

“You’re beautiful,” Jinsol reminds the girl, brushing the hair out of Jungeun’s face, and leans back in to press a final peck to her girlfriend’s lips. “Stunning,” she says a few seconds later, trying to catch Jungen’s eyes. She’s about to move back when she feels the shift, how Jungeun's hands wrap around her neck, how she sits up a little taller, presses into her and _kisses_ her and oh- 

_Oh okay_ , Jungeun is kissing her like _that_ and Jinsol knows that Jungeun is aware of what she’s doing. But Jinsol is in no way mad about it. She returns the sentiment, the fervour happily, hand scratching Jungeun’s scalp as she sighs, holding back a little groan because Jungeun is moving again, hands scathing over her thigh as she shifts and Jinsol's not even ashamed to say that if Jungeun doesn’t sit in her lap she’s going to lift her onto it herself. It's that simple, she needs Jungeun closer, always closer. Especially if she keeps moving her hand the way she is. 

And thank God Jungeun does because Jinsol isn’t sure she has the strength to do much, body trembling with joy because no matter how much this happens, the moments are far apart and rare, and each time she gets to kiss Jungeun it’s like a breath of fresh air in a field, far away from the world and she's looking up at the sky, seeing the unfiltered beauty of stars, dazzlingly bright and honest, and she thinks she could live forever with Jungeun by her side. 

Jungeun must take the buzzing sensation as something wrong because one minute Jungeuns hand is tugging at her shoulder, the next she suddenly pulls away, hands grabbing onto Jinsols and holding them close and she looks down at Jinsol carefully, eyes soft, “You okay?” she asks, catching her breath between both words. Her shoulders are rising in a rush of tangled breaths, hitting Jinsol’s hands as the girl presses a kiss to them. Jinsol says nothing at first, looks up at Jungeun silently, wondering, always wondering, how she got here. How she got so lucky to fall in love with someone like Jungeun, who was so careful with her heart it felt like it belonged in an art gallery. Jinsol is silent because she thinks if she speaks, her words will break, voice thick with _something_ and it feels wrong, so wrong, but so right? How, how? How does it feel so perfect, yet she’s full of shame?

“I’m okay,” she says finally, nodding, eyes shutting as she leans forward, hands released from Jungeuns hold and wrapping around her girlfriend, hugging her close. “I’m okay, really. Are you?” The words are muffled against Jungeuns chest, but she doesn’t complain. Jinsol can hear her sigh, she can feel the palm of Jungeun’s hand rest on the back of Jinsols head, and she’s still thinking about how she’s here, in Jungeuns arms, and despite all the fear, she feels so safe. 

“I’m perfect,” Jungeun whispers back and she doesn’t let go of Jinsol, not for a second. The two sit there for a few moments, completely silent in their wanting, don’t say a word because sometimes they both know they want it, but are too ashamed to ask. And they know this, both of them. But it’s not the time or the place. And well- they don’t want it, as much as they also do. It never makes sense, how they’ve been together but can hardly bear to be a couple sometimes. How it feels terrifying, touching each other because, throughout their whole lives, they were told not to. They were told _a woman doesn’t touch, the man does,_ much less another woman. And it’s terrifying, knowing where your love lays, and that it’s not on the right side. 

Something Jinsol realises is how easy it would be to find a boyfriend and be the good daughter her family wants, and Jinsol knows Jungeun gets it too. Neither has denied they liked men, but they also can’t deny they don’t want much else than each other. They’ve spoken of others, of course, but one is complicated as is. They need to be free before they do anything more than try and survive.

“Can we make the brownies?” Jungeun finally asks and Jinsol can’t help but laugh. This is what she loves about their moments, how everything can feel so complicated but make so much sense. 

“Of course we can,” Jinsol replies easily, letting Jungeun climb off her lap with a giddy giggle. She watches her girlfriend, who, minutes ago was making out with her, stumble over her own feet as she goes to wash her hands and she can’t help it, again. The endearing feeling rises again at the sight of her girlfriend like an excited puppy getting a treat. 

Jinsol knows, despite it all, she wouldn’t ask for anything else than these moments with Jungeun, no matter how rare they are. Because at least she has them, and she couldn’t bear to think about a life without Jungeun anymore. No matter the consequences.

___________  
  


Jungeun is going to go fucking insane someday, she knows she will. And she’s so glad the main reason is because of school, and that soon she won’t have to put up with the bullshit that is high school education. 

“So, Jinsol,” Hana had giggled, bumping the girl on the shoulder. Jungeun had looked up from her plate, caught Jinsol’s eyes from across the table, and promptly looked away. 

“Yeah?” Jinsol replied easily, shoving the girl back before chewing some of her lunch. 

“Did you hear about Deosuk?” Hana asks, and Jungeun chokes on her water, spluttering into her hand. The girls look at her with confusion, Jinsol raising her eyebrow at Jungeuns reaction. Seoksoo pats her on the pack awkwardly, sort of laughing at Jungeun’s look. 

“I’m fine,” Jungeun croaks out, waving her hand, “ Sorry, must’ve swallowed wrong.”

Yuna snickers at her wording and Jungeun rolls her eyes, “Stop being such a child Yuna,” she jokingly reprimands her friend. 

“Anyways,” Hana drawls, leaning towards Jinsol with an expression that Jungeun is familiar enough with to know it means trouble. “Deosuk, you remember him right?” 

Jinsol pauses for a moment, staring off in concentration. “Isn’t he the guy you guys all thought I had a crush on?” 

“Bingo!” Hana slaps her hand on the table, startling Jungeun at the sound as she jumps. “Apparently he likes you, Jinsol! And you know who his best friend is…?” 

Jungeun holds back a groan of annoyance because holy fuck Hana really needs to stop being that annoyingly straight friend who thinks shes this God sent heterosexual matchmaker. 

“Uhm, no,” Jinsol replies slowly, looking completely bewildered. 

“Jaeho,” Hana looks proud of herself for connecting the easiest damn dots that exist. “So, Jungeun...you and your little boyfriend-”

“Not my boyfriend!” Jungeun opposes, snapping her book shut with a sigh. 

“Yeah, whatever. You and Jaeho should set them up! Wouldn’t it be so cute? Two best friends dating each other?” Hana claps her hand, getting sounds of agreement from Yuna and Seoksoo. Jungeun nearly snorts because, well….there are two best friends dating, just not the ones they want. 

“Are we forgetting that this supposed ‘crush’ was five years ago and I literally forgot he existed?” Jinsol sounds exasperated, sighing in annoyance. 

“Yes, but he likes you _now._ You could get a boyfriend! Isn’t that cool?” Seoksoo points out excitedly. 

“I don’t have the time for a boyfriend, plus we go to college in a few months….why would I waste my time on him?”

“Waste your time?” Yuna splutters, “On Deosuk? Have you seen him?” 

Jinsol ignores her words, unscrewing her water bottle and drinking from it. She recaps it with a smile, resuming her eating. Yuna looks desperately over at Jungeun, almost begging her to say something and if Jungeun didn’t feel safe in the closet, she would just tell this girl to fuck off. 

“Jungeun,” Hana whines, “convince her!”

“Why the fuck can’t I eat my kimchi in peace?” Jungeun grumbles in annoyance, “Hana if she liked him, I would know. You can’t force it.”

“So what!” Hana replies in protest, “plus…” she trails off warily.

“Plus what?” Jinsol asks, looking at Hana in confusion. The younger girl diverts her eyes and Jungeun catches Seoksoo shaking her head at the girl. “Plus what?” Jinsol repeats again, more forcefully this time. 

“Isn’t it a bit weird that you’ve never been with a guy? I mean, you’ve never even kissed anyone!” 

“Are you fucking serious?” Jungeun whips back with quickly, staring straight at Hana. “Are you absolutely certain you’re fucking serious right now?”

“Jungeun,” Jinsol warns the girl, eyes full of panic. She shakes her head, trying to get her to stop. “Hana, what’s the problem with never being with a guy? What the hell? I’m top of the class, I’m pretty much half accepted to SNU, you think I give an absolute fuck about dating a guy? Come on, Hana. You know me better than that. Get a grip.”

Hana’s mouth opens closes like a globbing fish, cheeks tinting red with embarrassment. “But isn’t it kinda weird…? Do you not feel weird? I mean, when you get to college and start dating, don’t you think you’ll want some experience?” 

“That has got to be the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard, Hana,” Jungeun comments roughly, putting down her chopsticks. “I don’t care what you have to say but Hana, you’re being really rude right now. We should be proud of all the work Jinsol has put in...not degrading her for not being with a guy when she’s a literal genius.”

“Thanks, Jungie,” Jinsol replies shyly, smiling over at her and Jungeuns heart soars. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry Jinsol,” Hana apologises quickly, patting Jinsol on the back awkwardly. Jinsol shrugs in reply, not saying anything to Hana at first. 

“It’s whatever,” She finally says, but Jungeun knows what she’s thinking. She always does. 

It isn’t uncommon, of course, for success to be forgotten because this is life. It isn’t uncommon for any of the girls to forget who they are, to forget the important things about who they are, to please others. They were taught to grow into it - into pleasing others before yourself. 

You can try to unlearn it, try and teach yourself that you are important, your ideas are valuable an that you deserve to be taken seriously. But at the end of the day, the only person who will listen to you is yourself, because no one else gives a damn. 

  
  


___________  
  


Jungeun thinks being at home is the worst part of her day. It’s not that anything is wrong, per se. She just feels like she’s suffocating in her own space, the walls opening and closing as quickly as her breaths are released. There are days when everything feels impossible, and she has to stare up at the ceiling for a little while, thinking and thinking. Pushing around the guilt, the shame and the stress, weighing out how much disappointment would follow her tracks if she took some time off. She doesn’t think a day would go by if she were to just stop for a little while, that her parents wouldn’t judge her. She was born and bred on speed and ambition, on ideas and beliefs that you have to be a go-getter. Don’t fight unless you can win. Don’t stop, and even when you have achieved something, try harder and get higher. And Jungeun does get it, she does. She wants a life and she knows the only way to achieve it is to work herself to the bone. She’s eighteen, but she hasn’t stopped yet, and she doesn’t think she would be able to. If she stops, she feels guilty. But if she does too much, Jinsol gets worried, and she feels guilty.

She’s always wracked with guilt but she just doesn’t know how to stop. 

She still has freedom, at the very least. To live like a teenager. It may not be from a movie, there’s no red cups or drunken nights out where you wake up in an unfamiliar bed, smelling of booze and its 1 pm. Well, firstly, she’s far too busy to have the time to wake up that late. She has to be up early, she always does. So even if it’s a late-night, the morning is still early. She goes to parties, she sees her friends, makes new ones at concerts and parties. She lives, of course. Because she couldn’t imagine denying herself something as simple as friends, no matter how much it will hurt to leave them. She had resolved, very long ago, that friends are nearly always temporary. You keep them too long, and they learn to stop caring. Keep them at a distance, was her ideology. Keep them at a distance, don’t let them close, don’t let them do anything. Make them laugh, let them smile at you, let them do anything. Let them pretend to know you because at least that means its not the truth. Control their ideas of you from a distance by being silent. Silence is violent, and it’s her best weapon.

She could be yelling, and no one will hear it - not because they aren’t paying attention, but because there’s nothing to hear, really. 

But maybe Jungeun is a little tired of that. Maybe she wants to be really listened to, as cliche as it sounds. And even worse, maybe Jungeun feels like Jinsol is the only one who does it. When they talk, she doesn’t belittle Jungeuns worries or dreams. How she’s desperate to make some change, but feels like a hypocrite because how can you make changes to a world you’re terrified of?

Jungeun thinks every queer kid must feel like this at one point: terrified. Utterly in fear of the world around them, and the power words have over their whole existence. How easy it would be for their lives to be ruined because they aren’t what people want. Because they decided, against all odds, to learn their truth. Even if they stay hidden. Even if they stay in the underworld of secret rendezvous in queer coded bars full of colourful spirits - alcohol and people alike. 

On top of the terror, there’s the turning point. The moment where you look around you and wonder: how the hell did I get here? How did I slap so many false labels on myself, and think it’s okay? And most importantly, how do I learn to rip them off without it hurting? 

Jungeun’s moment was at Seoksoo’s party. It was one month and two weeks until graduation. Six weeks, forty-two days. Again, Jinsol had done the maths. It’s not like Jungeun had a maths bone in her body. She could do it with a calculator, sure. But Jinsol had whispered it into Jungeun’s ear after pulling away from a hug, knowing full well what she had done just moments ago. She had dared, the beautiful bitch she was, to wrap her arms around Jungeun’s waist and tell her she _loved_ her as if that wasn’t the most desirable thing to hear from your girlfriend. It’s stupid, how easily Jinsol makes Jungeun melt. But she does, and she makes Jungeun smile, and laugh - she lets her think and feel free.

They had headed to the party together, Seoksoo living a little further away than desirable, and Jungeun could drive while Jinsol would bop to All Star in the passenger seat and think it’s the pinnacle of the music industry. Not that Jungeun was complaining much, she just would rather not have the image of a donkey and a dragon having children together somehow, and still not know how it was possible. 

Either way, it’s fun with Jinsol., to put it simply. And by the time they get there, they’re only ten minutes late because the two of them have no concept of time and forgot what was happening and had talked in the car before driving away. Seoksoo expects it at this point, and either way, there were so many people in there already - punctuality is cool in this day and age, apparently. Jungeun and Jinsol had decided to talk about literally everything under the sun before heading off, completely distracted by the presence of each other.

Jinsol and Jungeun walk up to the front door together, ringing the bell and when it flies open, they offer wishes to Seoksoo, handing her the presents they got and then. Then it happens - Deosuk appears from behind Seoksoo, smiling widely and looking at Jinsol with so much excitement Jungeun think’s she could punch him if he gets any closer. 

“Hi,” he waved at the two of them, eyes lingering on Jinsol before shying away. 

Jungeun isn’t even mad, because she knows Jinsol, knows down to the letter that her girlfriend isn’t one to flirt - and even so, that’s allowed. Flirting is fun, Jungeun does it sometimes with Jaeho, because its fun and friendly. But that’s with people who don’t like you, not like how Deosuk seems to. 

The worst thing about it all is that when Seoksoo closes the door, Jinsol and her are separated out of necessity. Jungeun is waved over to the boys, Jaeho and Changyul, who were apparently having a lively discussion about the Youtuber they all watch, and Jungeun can see from the corner of her eye that Jinsol is awkwardly conversing with Deosuk across the room. 

She’s not even being too clingy, she just wants to feel comfortable. And she only really feels comfortable with Jinsol, and this isn’t even new. It just hurts so much, every time. She can’t seek Jinsol out, she can’t do anything _too_ much. She has to leave it all up to perfectly timed coincidences.

“No, wait, hang on-” Jaeho had spluttered, “that video was a joke! Come on, we both know she wasn’t being serious. Barry The Bee Benson was fucking wild.”

“Do you want me to recite the opening for you right now, huh?” Changyul retaliates with, shoving Jaeho on the shoulder as they all begin laughing. Jungeun can’t help but be amused at their antics, how insane her friends are. 

“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly-” Jungeun begins teasingly, smiling smugly at how the two boys groan, seemingly forgetting how much of a troll Jungeun actually is. 

“Nope, no! Jungeun, please don’t do it,” Jaeho all but pleads between breaths of laughter, Changyul following in suit. 

“Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground,” She continues, pausing for effect. “The bee, of course, flies anyway.”

“That’s some king shit right there,” Jaeho mutters offhandedly, making Jungeun choke on her drink at his words. She looks at him for a second, not fully digesting his words. 

“What?” He asks, looking at her from behind his mug of tea - yes, he had gotten tea while at a birthday party. There are some things about Jaeho you don’t question. 

“Nothing I just...didn’t know you knew what that was, to be honest,” Jungeun admits, laughing. 

Changyul just claps the boy in the back happily, smiling widely, and it sort of breaks Jungeun’s heart for a moment. She has to remind herself that she’s leaving, and she won’t get to make them laugh anymore. She won’t get to talk to them about Barry Benson the bee, or the complexity of the word ‘yeet’, or why Mr. Im is an absolute douche who can’t spell, despite having a masters degree in Literature. 

“Jungeun,” Jaeho says out of the blue, Changyul having left to reconvene with his girlfriend after she had finished talking to a friend about some project. Jungeun hums, looking at Jaeho, prompting him to continue.

“You know Deosuk likes Jinsol right?” He asks awkwardly, and Jungeun groans. “Hey, no...I’m not trying to set them up, I promise.” 

“Alright, sure,” Jungeun replies sceptically, setting her glass of coke down and leaning on the wall. “What is it then?”

“Actually,” Jaeho begins before pausing, looking around the room and then down at Jungeun. “Can we uh, go outside for a moment?” 

“They’re gonna think we’re going to make out,” Jungeun warns him, but follows either way.

“Did we ever care about that?” Jaeho replies with teasingly, opening the backdoor for Jungeun before closing it behind himself. It was still hot, closing in on the summer months and the grass wasn’t wet with fallen rain, so they took a seat at the far end of the garden, a few feet apart. 

“Dude, what’s up?” She kicks her foot against Jaeho’s, trying to get his attention. He looks up at her, smiled awkwardly and sighs, shrugging his shoulders. Jungeun can hear the music playing even from out here and she can see some of the girls chatting and giggling beside the backdoor. The backdoor lights are low, the moon and late sunlight all they have.

“Honestly, you’re the only person I trust with this. I just have a feeling….” he trails off, looking down at the ground, his hands grabbing and pulling tufts of grass. 

“Alright...Go for it,” Jungeun nods, sitting up a little straighter, trying to make him feel comfortable. “I won’t tell anyone,” she promises, noticing his apprehension.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, kicking out his legs. “Well, I just...I think I like Deosuk?”

Jungeun doesn’t say anything for a second, digesting the words once they hit her. Her mouth opens like a fish, and she nods quickly, “Oh, okay. Do you think he….likes you back?” 

“Wait,” Jaeho stutters, “Aren’t you..confused? Because I liked _you,_ a girl, and now I like Deosuk?” 

Jungen winced at his words, shaking her head and offering a smile, “Man, you can like boys or girls or others, all or none, I really don’t care. Just be yourself and I’m here to cheer you on.”

“Oh,” he whispers, “And uh, same here. You know that, right?”

“Uhm, yeah. Yeah, I do,” Jungeun assures him, patting him on the leg awkwardly. 

“Okay, cool,” he replies, “I don’t know what to do, Jungeun...do I tell him?”

“Do you feel safe telling him?” Jungeun replies with quickly, looking over at him. He paused his movements, meeting her eyes and sighing. 

“I don’t think this town was made for feeling safe, Jungie,” he admits quietly, throwing his head back to look up at the sky. Jungeun hums in response, copying his movements and looking up. It was still bright, the summer evenings carrying long into the night. The sun was still there, shining, but the moon wasn’t far away. They sat quietly together, looking up and just thinking. Jaeho, Jungeun assumed, is probably relieved, but Jungeun is terrified. Why did he feel safe telling her? Why did he say that? Is it getting obvious? 

Jungeun knows she should tell him soon, they’ve come so far as friends, sticking by each other’s side no matter what people say. But Jungeun just can’t, and she’s sick of that word. ‘Can’t’, because of fear. Because of shame. 

She hears Jaeho shift around, moving closer to Jungeun, and it’s risky. It’s far too risky sitting this close, which is stupid because they’re a guy and a girl, and people want this for them. They want to see them in love, but they both know it won’t work like that. And they use it to their advantage, sometimes. But it still _hurts,_ how Jungeun can be praised for being in love with Jaeho but would be judged (at the very least) for loving Jinsol. 

“I can’t wait to leave,” Jungeun admits quietly, finally being honest. Jaeho looks over at her, and Jungeun stares right back. He looks like the weight of this town and its secrets have finally taken its toll after eighteen years of hiding, and he looks desperate to get out and do something. But he’s stuck, much the same as Jungeun is, too. Is that what everyone in this town feels like when they’re just a little different? Probably. 

“We deserve more from life than this, and I hate that it took me this long to realise it,” Jaeho finally speaks up, looking away from her. His hands move, one grabbing onto Jungeuns and he holds it tight. She sits there, looking at the backdoor when she sees someone waving at her frantically. It’s Seoksoo, grinning widely and sending her a big thumbs up. Jungeun rolls her eyes, throwing her the middle finger and chuckling. 

“God, they really can’t help themselves sometimes,” Jaeho said, shaking his head in amusement. 

“Dude, college will be so much better, I just know it,” Jungeun replies optimistically, leaning her head on Jaeho’s shoulder. Jaeho hums in response, putting his head on top of Jungeuns. 

“We need to head back in soon,” Jaeho reminds them and Jungeun nods in response. 

“Do you need a lift home? I’m not drinking tonight and you live like two estates away from me,” Jungeun offers, standing up and stretching out her arms. 

“if it’s not any trouble, sure. But I don’t think I’ll be drinking either.” 

“Okay, good. Jinsol is, so she’s staying at mine for the night. No men are allowed though, sorry,” Jungeun teases, holding out a hand to help Jaeho up. He grabs onto it and jumps up easily, brushing off any grass on his jeans. 

“I’m heartbroken,” He replies sarcastically, making Jungeun laugh. 

“Come on,” Jungeun replies, shoving him over before walking away and closer to the house. Jaeho chases after her, throwing an arm over her shoulder and grinning happily. 

They may have been gone for half an hour maximum, but by the time they’re back inside with their drinks and have eaten some popcorn while chatting with some of their friends, the music is blasting and people are yelling and dancing, laughing and joking around. Jungeun had tried to find Jinsol, catching her on one of the couches, nursing a drink in hand, laughing along to whatever Deosuk and Seoksoo are talking about. Jaeho had told Jungeun that Deosuk won’t try anything, that he just wanted to get to know Jinsol better, and it made things better. Even if Jungeun kind of wished she could spend some time by Jinsol’s side instead of in another room. 

“They’re setting up Mario Kart, wanna play?” Jaeho asks, gesturing at the group of people huddled around one couch in front of a TV, clearly a bit tipsy. She shrugged, following him over and watches him strangle the controllers out of one of the guys hand easily. 

“I’m gonna beat you,” he taunts her, handing her one of the controllers. She grabs it and rolls her eyes, knowing full and well he’s right. 

“Fuck off,” she mutters, sitting down beside him on the ground (Jungeun thinks that the couple on the couch should get a room, they’re really going for it). 

It becomes a tournament of sorts, they divide into two teams with everyone else and take turns seeing who can win the most games. Surprisingly, it’s Jungeun’s team that’s in the lead most of the time. She’s cackling at Jaeho’s heartbroken expression when she hears someone yelling from the other room, and someone rushing out of the living room and into the kitchen with a grimace. She stands up, using Jaeho’s shoulder for momentum and peers into the room. 

Jinsol is no longer sitting on the couch, instead, she’s standing off to the side, an awkward-looking expression on her as she looks at Deosuk who is being scolded by Seoksoo quietly. Deosuk is cradling his left hand, which seems to be bleeding. 

“Sorry, sorry!” she can hear the boy say ash she walks closer, nodding along to Seoksoo’s words. “I promise to….yes...okay.” 

Jungeun walks over to Jinsol, who looks more than relieved to see her girlfriend again. “What happened?” Jungeun asks awkwardly, putting a hand on Jinnsol’s back. 

“It was no big deal, really,” Jinsol mumbles shyly, biting her lip, “He was laughing at something I said and he grabbed my thigh but I wasn’t expecting it so I jumped and dropped my glass. He leaned down to pick it up but cut himself by the glass instead. Seoksoo yelled at him for being an idiot...her usual,” She explained helplessly. 

“Oh,” Jungeun breathed out, “Are you okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jinsol asks curiously. 

“He...touched you,” Jungeun replies, confused. “Like...not on the shoulder, on the thigh, dude. That’s not a very friendly place to touch someone you aren’t close with. He shouldn’t have.” 

“Jung, it’s fine,” Jinsol laughs nervously, “I just didn’t expect it.”

“Still,” Jungeun mumbles, “Think it’s safe to say Hana won’t be as enthusiastic about him now.”

“Good,” Jinsol replies with, “It was getting annoying.”

“True,” Jungeun agrees. “What time do you wanna head at, by the way?”

Jinsol shrugs, pushing some of her hair out of her eyes. “I don’t mind. It’s eleven, we can leave in an hour if you want.”

“I’m bringing Jaeho home, too, by the way,” Jungeun tells her girlfriend. “We’ll leave in forty, is that alright?” 

“God yeah, I am tired,” Jinsol admits, “And a little bored…”

“Come play Mario with us,” Jungeun offers, “It’s much more fun.”

“I’ll join after I check in on Deosuk,” Jinsol promises, “Thanks, Jungie.” 

“Yeah, go for it,” Jungeun nods, “I’ll see you in a few.” 

Jungeun watches Jinsol walk towards and Deosuk and groans internally, hating how awkward she and Jinsol can be sometimes. It’s so annoying, how when they’re together in public they both clam up and shift around awkwardly, watching their words. Then alone, everything shifts, the atmosphere much calmer, more casual. 

By the time Jinsol appears again, it’s nearly midnight and she looks much calmer, settling down beside Jungeun on the ground quietly. She leans her head on Jungeun’s shoulder, completely casual as she listens to Jungeun and Jaeho chatting. 

“You okay Jinsol?” Jaeho asks. Jinsol had closed her eyes and was just randomly humming along to the conversation. 

“Yeah, just tired,” she replies, opening her eyes and offering a smile to the boy. She sits up properly, stifling a yawn. 

“We can head now if you want?” Jungeun says, looking over at Jaeho who nods in agreement. 

“You sure?” Jinsol asks, looking between the two. 

“Yeah, sounds good. I’ll find Seoksoo and let her know, you guys head to the car,” Jaeho replies.

Jungeun watched him walk away for a few seconds before turning to look at her girlfriend.

“Come on,” she said softly, helping the girl up on knobbly knees. Jinsol follows her around the maze of people, weaving through them, her hand gripped tightly around Jinsol’s. By the time they reach the car, Jinsol has caught up and is walking right beside Jungeun, hands still interlocked as she hums under her breath. Jungeun’s smile quirks up as she automatically recognises the song. All Star, again. 

“Jungeun?” Jinsol asks quietly, tugging at Jungeun’s hand. 

“Yeah?” Jungeun replies casually, unlocking the car door and turning around to look at her girlfriend. Jinsol was biting her lip, rocking back and forth. 

“Your windows are tinted right?” She asks, making Jungeun jolt back, smiling nervously. She peers over Jinsol’s shoulder, knowing full and well no one can really see them from where she had parked. Maybe it’s worth the risk. 

“We should get in the car,” Jungeun offers, opening the passenger door for Jinsol and letting her get in. She swiftly walks around and quickly opens the driver seat door, settling in quickly. She turns to look at Jinsol, her smile apparent. Her breath catches in her throat when she sees Jinsol, the way her lips are tinted with glittering lip gloss, faint but there. How her eyes are almost glistening with excitement, and Jungeun knows they’re taking a risk, and maybe that’s what makes it a little bit more exciting. Or maybe it’s because Jinsol is Jinsol, and every time Jungeun so much as looks at her, she pretty much always wants to kiss her or just _be_ with her. 

Jungeun leans over the centre console, as if reaching forward to kiss Jinsol, but instead leans in and whispers softly into her girlfriend’s ear, “I love you,” and moving back. She sees Jinsols reaction immediately, how her smile curls up, taking a softer edge. She loves seeing how Jinsol seems to melt at her words - it’s a little payback for before the party. Jinsol’s eyes flicker down to Jungeuns lips and Jungeun almost laughs at how Jinsol’s whole demeanour shifts so quickly, how her body easily leans in if she wasn’t doing the exact same. 

Jungeun tries to ignore the centre console when she leans forward and kisses Jinsol, hand going to Jinsol’s shoulder and pulling her in closer. Her thoughts go fuzzy as she feels Jinsols response, how Jinsol melts into her. Jinsol bites her lip, and she has to try so fucking hard to hold back what she wants to say, the sound she wants to make. Instead, she focuses on Jinsol, pulling away briefly to toy at the girl’s lip with her thumb, cupping her girlfriend’s cheek, smiling briefly and kissing her again. Jinsol groans, pushing Jungeun back a little and following in her haste to get closer. 

“We should-'' Jungeun begins, trying to pull away from Jinsol, only for the girl to follow her and kiss her again, effectively shutting up Jungeun one more time in the process. Jinsol somehow shifts closer, completely ignoring the console as if it didn’t exist. Her hands roam, travelling up her arm and curling around her neck. Jungeun lets out a little sound, eyes fluttering with pleasure until she knows its time to pull away. Jinsol doesn’t try to kiss her again, instead, she smiles proudly, licking her lips. 

“You tasted like red liquorice,” Jinsol says, thumb wiping her lip gloss off of Jungeuns lips, giggling. Jungeun rolls her eyes, leaning forward and giving her girlfriend a final peck. 

“Shut up, it tastes good, okay?” She replies, slapping Jinsol’s shoulder. 

“You do taste good,” Jinsol hums, smiling slyly and nodding in agreement. 

“Did you drink? I can’t taste any beer or anything….” Jungeun asks curiously, licking her lips. This has to be the weirdest conversation her and Jinsol have had in a while - they’re usually so shy about this sort of talk, not talking much about anything. But Jungeun isn’t mad about this change in pace, she just wishes it wasn’t after a party at midnight when their friend could appear any minute and catch them looking a bit too close for comfort. 

“Nope, wasn’t in the mood to. I took a sip of Seoksoo but then just had some sprite,” Jinsol shrugged, peering out the window. She catches sight of Jaeho walking closer, Jungeun following her sight and noticing him, too. Then she remembers what Jaeho had said, and mutters something under her breath.

“I know we usually are, but we need to be extra careful with Jaeho for a while,” Jungeun rushes out quickly, making Jinsol turn towards her, mouth opening to ask but the backdoor is opened before she can speak. 

“Hey, sorry!” Jaeho apologises, sliding in and buckling up, “I ran into Deosuk...he wanted to apologise to you again, Jinsol.”

Jinsol leaned around in her seat, casting him a kind smile, “Don’t worry about it,” she assures him. 

Jungeun tuned the two out briefly, turning on the engine and letting the handbrake down, manoeuvring the car out of its spot and driving out of the estate. She listens to Jinsol and Jaeho chatting and notices Jinsol connecting her phone to play some music as she continues talking. Jungeun doesn’t talk much, trying to be extra careful given the time. She pipes up every once and a while, and admittedly she couldn’t help but sing along under her breath to Jinsol’s night music playlist (Jinsol must have one reserved for just them at night because this is isn’t the usual evening playlist Jinsol turns on when they’re together). 

“Can you believe we graduate next month?” Jaeho asks out of the blue. Jungeun looks through her rearview mirror, catching the boy staring out the window, his expression hopeful. 

“I really am excited,” Jungeun admits, looking back at the road ahead of her. Jinsol sounds out her agreement, shifting in her seat. 

“I’m excited to live in Seoul!” Jinsol replies enthusiastically.

“I bet,” Jaeho chuckles, “I can’t believe you’re going to SNU Jinsol, it’s amazing!” 

“Thank you,” Jinsol replies shyly, “I’m so happy I got accepted.”

“You deserve it,” Jungeun says, offering the girl a smile. “You worked hard for it!”

“You really did,” Jaeho agrees. “The school must be super proud, we don’t get many SNU students in here.”

“Where are you hoping to go?” Jinsol asks quickly, trying to divert the attention. 

“Hankuk! They do really good foreign studies programmes,” Jaeho replies eagerly. “Hey, what about you, Jungeun?”

“I’m on the waiting list for SNU,” Jungeun admits awkwardly. She hadn’t told anyone yet, not sure if she’ll get in yet. She had applied to a handful of other colleges too, but this is her dream one. 

“Shit, really?” Jaeho asks, “That’s amazing! I’m rooting for you,” he replies sincerely. 

“Thanks, man,” Jungeun responds, letting the car slow down as she stops in front of the boy's house. “You got a key, yeah?” she asks.

“Yup! Thanks for the lift, Jung. I’ll see you both on Monday,” he says cheerfully, opening the door and sending them both a wink before shutting the door behind him. The duo watches him walk to the door, unlocking it and waving goodbye as they drive away. 

Jaeho lives less than five minutes away from Jungeun, and neither Jungeun nor Jinsol bothers to speak until Junguen has parked outside her own house and turned off the engine. They sit in silence for a few moments, Jungeun sighing as she takes out her car keys, the inside lights shutting off and enveloping the two in darkness, only moonlight and a faraway street light seeping in. 

“Why do we need to be more careful?” Jinsol finally asks, unbuckling her seat belt and turning to look at Jungeun seriously. She has her arms wrapped around herself, and she's looking at Jungeun with so much worry that Jungeun wishes she could make their reality dissipate, and create one where they didn't have to mourn their lives before they've even died.

“He just... said something kind of….alluding to me being well, you know,” Jungeun gestures between the two of them, “I can’t say what….but just, trust me?” Jungeun asks. Her girlfriend looks unsure, and above all, bothered by this new turn of events (how do you be more careful when the only time you can touch your girlfriend is behind doors, or when you know no one is looking?). Nevertheless, Jinsol sounds out her agreement, humming and twitching in her seat. Her eyes open and close slowly as she tries to catch her girlfriends eyes. 

“I’m desperate for college, I’m fucking tired of hiding,” Jinsol admits, running a hand through her hair. 

Jungeun smiles sadly, looking away from Jinsol and out the window, “Me too,” she replies hollowly. What else are you meant to say? They both know its the truth, that they just need out of here. “We should head to bed, ‘Sol.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jinsol mutters, turning away and opening the car door. Jungeun follows suit, locking the car with the remote and reconvening with Jinsol at the door. She pauses for a second, Jinsol looking at her but Jungeun just shakes her head, gripping Jinsol’s hand and squeezing it before letting go and walking to the front door. She opens and shuts it behind her, letting Jinsol in first and locking it before following her girlfriend up the stairs. As she walks up, her steps falter, but Jinsol barely notices. It’s weird, how Jinsol has spent so much time in this house, with her, that it feels normal for them to act like this. How Jinsol can take the lead and go first, even when it’s not in her own home. She knows this house just as well as Jungeun does at this point. 

“Hey,” Jinsol whispers, looking down at Jungeun and gesturing for her to catch up, “Come on!” 

Jungeun holds back a laugh before picking up her pace, catching her girlfriend around the waist and half hauling her into her bedroom, the two stifling their giggles as quietly as they can. She watches Jinsol go straight for her bag, taking out her pyjamas almost blindly, both whispering quietly as they do their own thing. Jungeun follows Jinsol into the bathroom, the two of them standing side by side in front of the bathroom mirror as they take off their makeup. When that's done, and they’ve brushed their teeth, giggling through foamed up mouths, Jungeun closes the bathroom door behind her and gets changed quickly. She settles on her bed, shuffling closer to the left side and closing her eyes. She hears the bathroom door open and close and she cracks an eye open, watching Jinsol turn off the light and shuffle over to the bed. The sheets are ruffled as Jinsol snuggles under them, curling up slightly. 

Jungeun looks at her fondly for a moment, how Jinsol tries to subtly shuffle back closer to Jungeun but is in no way smooth in her actions. Jungeun rolls her eyes, wrapping her body around Jinsol and holding her close. She lets her chin rest on Jinsol’s shoulder as she breathes in deeply, feels the way Jinsol’s shoulder rises and falls steadily. 

“Love you,” Jungeun reminds her girlfriend quietly, closing her eyes. 

“I love you too,” Jinsol replies immediately, shoulders becoming less tense as the seconds tick away. 

Jungeun really tries to fall asleep, she always does. But there’s this itch she needs to scratch, thoughts always to well...be thought. Her brain just works in overdrive, she can’t help it anymore. And it’s weird, how being with Jinsol makes her so calm, but her brain happens to ruin it with worries. She knows she should sleep, that what Jaeho had said could mean anything but that doesn’t stop her from thinking and thinking, playing around with his words and trying to figure out what she did to make him think she would get it. She wants to attribute it to her openness, despite being anything from it to herself. But in all fairness, she knows you can just give off a vibe no matter what - and she doesn’t exactly know how to mask something when she doesn’t know what it is that needs to be hidden.

Jungeun hates this. Hates how much she has to worry about everything she does, watching the little moments and touches, trying her best to hide. It’s stupid, it is, she needs to start working towards more. She knows that deep down. You don’t just suddenly love yourself after years of being taught you shouldn’t even exist. It’s toxic and dangerous but she just wants to feel safe, and that’s rare. She needs to feel safe, and she can’t rely on someone else to do it for her. But she knows its a near impossible feat alone.

She tries to work her way around everything, like usual. She wants to find solutions to problems, take them apart piece by piece and fix it. But she just feels helpless, completely confused because she’s starting to realise you can’t control peoples opinions of you no matter how hard you try. 

Jungeun thinks back at the night they just had, how they stayed apart for that long despite the fact that no one would really question them if they stook together. How Jinsol had rested her head on Jungeuns shoulder and Jungeun was terrified at that in itself. How she tried to brush off her worries as Jaeho spoke, open and truthful but Jungeun had been completely silent. 

Jinsol stirs a little and Jungeun can’t see her in the dark, of course, but she feels Jinsol’s arms move, hand patting the bed in search of something. Her right-hand touches Jungeuns and she grabs onto it tightly, letting out a little hum followed by a sigh. Jungeun looks at Jinsol and thinks yeah...maybe she should work on this. There is little else that matters than being with Jinsol, other than school, and she needs to work for it. 

She thinks it’ll be worth the pain. 

  
___________________  
  


Jungeun doesn’t think life could hurt more than it has been lately. She’s a week from graduating and is abhorrently busy with her whole life, only seeing Jinsol in school - which is fine, really. They both have things to do, work to finalise. But she still hasn’t gotten an update email from SNU, and her other colleges still haven’t responded to her. She hates this anxious feeling so much. And she hates that her country is so backwards that it’s nearly all done via postage in written letters. Not emails, which SNU seem to be the only ones doing. It’s a waste of paper and Jungeun hopes they stop soon. They should. 

She’s nervous constantly, not because of school itself, because of her future. She has been so confident and positive, hoping and praying she would get into college - she works damn hard, she doesn’t understand how she couldn’t? She’s high ranked in school, one of the top-ranked, and yet….no colleges want her. What is she meant to do about it? 

She still works around this, sits around in class despite classes not being taught, really. The final week is all about graduation, preparing the celebration and what they’re going to do as a year. She’s excited about that - she just wants to get very very drunk, if she’s being honest, and forget this whole mess of teenhood. 

And okay, she doesn’t go through with her plan to get completely knocked out by alcohol on graduation night because she thinks maybe she should have a little more self-control. Most of her friends do, though. But neither Jinsol nor Jungeun are bothered, they just want to have _fun._ Because wow, they made it this far, didn’t they? They’re this close to moving away and being much freer. 

So they think, that is. 

Because Jungeun never hears back from her colleges during the weeks after graduation, after everyone else is cheering and rejoicing in their college places, excitedly talking about their courses, but Jungeun is completely alone. And it’s weird, how she doesn’t even get a rejection letter, at the least. She gets _nothing._ She almost wants to read the “We regret to inform you” because at least it’s something. She doesn’t have the heart to call up any of the administration offices and ask what’s happening, so her mother does it for her. Her mother explains that this happens sometimes, that she’s one of the unlucky teens of a small bunch.

It seems Jungeun is unlucky in a lot of ways.

Jungeun was hoping she could surprise her parents with SNU seeing as she hadn’t told them she had applied, even when she got waitlisted. She wanted them to be proud of her for once, she did. And they would be if she just could get into the damn college and follow Jinsol and live with her and learn about everything she loves far, far away from this place. 

Then the email comes. 

_Kim Jungeun,_

_As promised, we are here to inform you if you have been accepted into our college after being waitlisted._

_Unfortunately, we bring you some bad news._

_We are unable to offer you a place in this academic year. However, you have been automatically invited to join in the year 2021. Please inform us if you will be accepting this place as soon as possible._

_Due to your early invitation to next years school year, if you do accept, you will be given many benefits that we offer as a university. You will be allowed access to our libraries if you feel inclined to. As well as this, our University recognises the importance of finances for students, and for that reason, your name will be listed under our College, and as such you will be able to avail from student offers, etc. once you accept, a full assortment of other benefits will be given. These are just a few._

_We hope to see you in the year 2021 to join your future fellow peers._

_Kind Regards,_

_SNU Administration._

Jungeun stares at her laptop screen, completely unsure and shocked. Her heart is beating erratically, mind buffering with confusion because surely this can’t be correct? She had been so sure, so confident. What does she tell her parents? Should she? God, she is absolutely fucked. A gap year? Does she have to take a gap year? Her parents will be so fucking embarrassed. What’s she meant to do now? Stay at home while Jinsol is in college? 

God, Jinsol. What is she going to do? What does she tell her? 

And she cries, sobbing into her hands because fuck. Absolutely fuck. She’s stuck in this town, with these people, and she has to hide and wait and be away from her girlfriend. She’s stuck, and she’s not in college and she….fuck. She can feel it already, what this next year is going to do to her. She feels so fucking alone as is, isolated and confused and she knows she’s suffering. She wonders if she can survive another year of this life, this town and its people and her parents who are so blatantly ignorant that Jungeun knows if she did anything to challenge them she’d be fucked. 

She _could_ follow Jinsol anyways, wherever she goes. But her parents would be suspicious, and everyone would wonder why she’s leaving when she could stay at home with her job, stable family life and not have to pay rent. It’s far too questionable.

Her chest tightens, and she’s rocking back and forth, buffering her sobs with her mouth because she’s terrified, and she’s worried if she’ll even make it out alive, she’s at her wit’s end, she has dreamed of leaving for so long. She’s daydreamed of days in with Jinsol, little coffee dates and going to the library and kissing her without being careful. She has dreamed of so much, and now it’s shattered for a year. She has to wait and she doesn’t know if she can at this rate. Her heart is racing and just can’t do this right now. She has too much going on, and Jinsol is coming over in a while and-

Jinsol will be able to tell something is wrong. Jungeun needs to tell her, but she feels so guilty. She and Jinsol had worked so hard for this future, but Jungeun is ruining it and Christ, she’s shaking so bad and the tears in her eyes won’t stop forming, her vision so blurry that if she didn’t live in her bedroom, she wouldn’t know what colour the walls are. 

She's fucking failing, despite everything she had done. She's a failure, a disappointment to her family and now they have more ammo to shoot her down with.

She needs to breathe, and she needs to stop panicking, like always. But all of this is easier said than done because it’s just getting worse. Jungeun is not unfamiliar with failure but it still hurts every time. She always prides herself in being rational, level headed and logical. But there is one thing that she could never control - her feelings. No matter how hard she tried, it never worked (Jinsol is proof of that). 

It takes far longer than Jungeun would like to admit for her to write up an email back (she was still crying as she wrote it, silent as her throat clenched in pain, her eyes stinging), and even then she lets it sit in her drafts, ready to be sent when she can actually think about it without beating herself up on the inside. She has a bad habit of that: beating herself up over even the littlest of things. But this? This wasn’t something little. This is her future, and if she keeps thinking about the absolute fire fucked future she has at this point, she doesn’t think she’ll be able to do much else than sit in bed and do nothing. 

Naturally, she does what every other high strung and stressed out teenager on the brink of a mental breakdown does: she distracts herself because suddenly her room is nowhere near clean enough despite her having organised her bookshelves last night (at 3 am but that’s beside the point). She cleans up her desk, stacking papers and books, organising her notebooks and trying to find places to store all of her schoolwork she no longer needs. She’s in the middle of contemplating organising her closet by the rainbow because it’s the least she can do to be gay in her house when Jinsol opens her bedroom door. 

“Hello,” She sings out, dark hair flowing free as she flutters through, shutting the door behind her. Jungeun slides the closet door to a close, she’ll get back to that later.

“How was work?” Jungeun asks, turning around and watching Jinsol flop onto her bed with a heavy sigh. “That bad, huh?” 

“It wasn’t even bad,” Jinsol whines, throwing her hands up, “I just hate children and early mornings, so today was long.”

“‘Sol, you had the four-hour shift,” Jungeun laughs, sitting down beside her girlfriend and looking down at her with a teasing smile. 

“You try to open a pet shop at 7 am then,” Jinsol grumbles, rolling away from Jungeun. Jungeun watches Jinsol hit the wall, completely expecting it and letting out an embarrassing snort. She covers her mouth and shakes her head, crawling over and hugging her girlfriend from behind. 

“Maybe you should nap then,” Jungeun says against the girl’s shoulder, closing her eyes. 

“You should be taking a nap, Ms Kim ‘It’s still early at 5 am’ Jungeun,” Jinsol bites back with, swatting Jungeuns hand. Jungeun recoils her hand, letting go of her girlfriend.

“I slept in!” She protests, “Also I had a nap yesterday, it only makes sense I went to sleep later?” 

“I could take seven naps and still fall asleep at midnight without a problem,” Jinsol deadpans, unimpressed.

“Well good for you bitch, wanna share?” Jungeun jokes, rolling her eyes. 

Jinsol doesn’t respond to her, just looks at her and smiles. Her smile widens vastly as she moves to sit up from her lying position. She throws her legs over Jungeun's lap, looking up at the girl happily.

“You know,” she begins shyly, “We should start looking at places in the city.”

Jungeun tenses up immediately, sighing and swaying to the side without replying. 

“Jungie?” Jinsol asks, her eyebrows furrowed in curiosity. “You okay?”

Jungeun groans, throwing her head back. She’s gotta bite the bullet, she supposes. “Uhm,” she fidgets, tugging at her bedsheet, “I...didn’t get into SNU this year.” 

“Oh,” Jinsol says softly, “But….and the other colleges?”

Jungeun shrugs, “They never let me know.”

“Not even a rejection letter?” Jinsol sounds surprised, moving her feet to sit up higher. 

Jungeun scowls, “No.,” she replies simply. “I got accepted for the year 2021 but….I have to stay here, you know.”  
  


Jinsol looked like she was taking it well for all of five seconds before she immediately started crying, the tears rolling down her face. Jungeun jolts forward, pulling her girlfriend into a tight hug. Jinsol wraps her arms around Jungeun, resting her head on Jungeuns shoulder. Jinsol is a silent crier, but the way her shoulders heave, the little hiccups she sometimes makes, breaks Jungeuns heart. She still can’t help feel the guilt trickling in because she somehow ruined their dreams and it’s all her fault. She didn’t work hard enough, she didn’t do anything right. Not once. And now she’s making Jinsol pay, too. 

When Jinsol pulls away, her eyes are a little puffy, cheeks bright red. She sniffles, rubbing her nose and Jungeun has to try so hard to hold back her tears. Jinsol still doesn’t let go of Jungeun, her hands clasped around Jungeuns, holding them tight as she looks at her girlfriend. Jinsol sighs, sniffles again and then tries to smile. 

“Fuck,” Jinsol curses. “I know we can work with this but still,” she pauses again. “Fuck.”

Jungeun can’t help but laugh a little because that’s pretty much the whole feeling: fuck. It’s all fucked up, the whole problem, their lives. Everything was absolutely fucked, to say the least. 

“Yeah, exactly. We can work with this, we can...it just fucking hurts. I have to….” Jungeun sucks in a breath, blinking through tears, “have to stay here, without you.” 

Jinsol sighs, nodding silently. “I wish you could move anyways.” 

“Me too,” Jungeun agrees with a nod, “But work....maybe I can save up and next year I can move...get a job. I can use the college facilities this year, you know?”

“Yeah, who knows what will happen! I’m sure you could _easily_ find work, Jungie,” Jinsol reassures her girlfriend. Jungeun nods along, but she won’t look at Jinsol, eyes diverting elsewhere. Jinsol tugs Jungeun closer and hugs her again, muttering under her breath. “How can I help right now?” 

“I dunno,” Jungeun replies, “I’m just….upset. I don’t know how to fix it, to be honest.”

“Would some cuddling help? Snacks?” Jinsol presses. 

“I mean…” Jungeun mumbles, “that sounds nice but we don’t have snacks or anything right now.” 

“We can go buy some,” Jinsol promises, rubbing Jungeuns back soothingly. “A little date, maybe? Movie night, even.”

Jungeun doesn’t reply at first, snuggling closer to Jinsol, face nestled in Jinsols neck. “.....Can we get chocolate?”

“We can,” Jinsol promises, chuckling. “Do you wanna get up? I can drive us,” she offers. 

Jungeun groans, letting go of Jinsol and sitting up. Jinsol rubs her girlfriend's arm, looking at her with a hopeful expression. “Alright, let’s go.”

Jinsol tries very hard to cheer up Jungeun, letting her lead the way. She takes the car keys from Jungeuns hands, shrugging and saying “I’m sure the local police won’t ask questions. They don’t need to know anything.” Jungeun rolls her eyes, but doesn’t open her bedroom door to leave before leaving a quick, grateful kiss on Jinsol’s lips. 

“Let’s go,” Jungeun says, letting Jinsol leave her room first. “Mom!” She yells out, “Jinsol and I are going to the shops. We’ll be back soon!”

She doesn’t hear her mom reply, but assumes she must have heard and followed her girlfriend out of the house. She flops into the passenger seat, watches Jinsol adjust to the seat with amusement and connects her phone, swiping through her playlists. It doesn’t matter how long a car journey is, music is a must. She lets the music filter through as Jinsol pulls off, singing under her breath. She looks over at Jinsol again, who looks incredibly concentrated on the road - as she should. The shop isn’t that far away and fifteen minutes later, they’re walking through the isles with a basket. Jungeun had picked out her chocolate, Jinsol her gummy bears and they were in the midst of contemplating their drink options when they caught Hana from the corner of their eyes. 

Jungeun batted Jinsol on the arm, “Don’t look at her,” she warns her. nervously. Jinsol gulps, lowering her head as they try to angle themselves away from the girl so as to not catch her eyes. Hana had...done some things, to put it lightly, in the last few weeks of school. And for that reason, Jungeun and Jinsol had halted their friendship with the girl immediately. 

“Coke or 7up?” Jinsol whispers, gesturing subtly towards the display. Jungeun looks for a moment before shrugging. 

“Don’t mind,” she replies easily. 

“Diet coke,” Jinsol decides, grabbing a bottle and plopping it into the basket. She looks over at Jungeun happily, “is that everything?” 

Jungeun nods immediately, “I think so!”

“Let’s go pay,” Jinsol smiles, and then adds quietly, “I wanna cuddle so let’s hurry the fuck up.”

Jungeun rolls her eyes but leads the couple to the self-checkout, scanning the food. She’s about to take out her card when Jinsol shoves her hand away, “No,” Jinsol states firmly. “Don’t you fucking dare,” she continues to challenge, quickly moving in front of the machine and paying. Jungeun watches her do so, barely registering how quickly Jinsol reacts. She stares at her card and then up to Jinsol. 

“Okay then,” Jungeun sighs, “Fine,” she doesn’t even have the energy to fight back. 

“Let's go,” Jinsol replies, ignoring the girl's words. “We’ve got things to do.”

Jungeun is grateful for Jinsol and how blasé she’s being about everything. How she just tugs at Jungeuns sleeve, the two carrying the food to the car and driving back to Jungeuns house. They grab glasses, don’t say a word to anyone and scurry up to Jungeuns room. They settle on the bed, Jungeun turning on her laptop, wrapped up in Jinsol’s arms. 

They hang around, binging through a new show, talking through the episodes until the first season is over and they end up silent, Jungeun resting against her girlfriend quietly. Jinsol plays with her girlfriend’s hair, twirling it around her finger and rests her cheek against Jungeun’s head, completely silent. Jungeun’s eyes open and close sluggishly, not saying a word.

Jinsol ends up staying the night, completely impromptu but welcomed. 

The routine sticks for the next few months. Jungeun tries to get used to her new reality, how she ends up helping Jinsol pack up of her room, listening to the girl talk excitedly about the apartment she had found, and her new roommates. Jungeun had even met them on the phone when Jinsol was calling them, organising rooms and working through the kinks of moving in with two random strangers. But Sooyoung and Haseul were so kind and Jungeun was relieved that her girlfriend was in good hands, she just wished she could follow Jinsol to Seoul. But instead, she was working nearly full time, in and out of the café. She had seen Jaeho pretty often, the boy keeping her updated on Deosuk and his college plans. Turns out in an unsurprising turn of events, that Deosuk was incredibly homophobic, making snide remarks and Jaeho had decided to distance himself from his best friend, Jungeun felt bad for him and had spent the afternoon with him trying to cheer him up. It had sort of worked, but she knew that of course, it would hurt - that was his best friend, and suddenly he had disappeared from Jaeho’s life. 

Jungeun and Jinsol figured out a schedule of sorts. Every second-weekend Jungeun would visit Jinsol in Seoul, the couple much preferring the anonymity of the city versus the little town they resided in. It was sort of coming together, and Jungeun was trying to come to terms with the turn of events. She still hadn’t told her parents about SNU, but had told them she was still reapplying next year. That being said, she knew what people were saying behind her back. 

_Poor Jungeun. She had so much potential._

Jungeun has more than just ‘potential’ she has a future and she has decided that she won’t give up in order to achieve it. So what, she has to wait a year? She’s going to fucking SNU for Architecture, isn’t that impressive in itself? She wants so bad to brag about that, but she had decided to keep it under wraps. 

She was doing fine, really. She had started coming around to everything.

And then Jinsol left. 

That’s when it started to get worse. So, so much worse. Not just because she didn’t have Jinsol, that wasn’t even it. Of course, she missed Jinsol. How could she not? It’s fucking Jinsol. The problem wasn’t that because Jungeun tried to get to Jinsol week after week, her and Jinsol sharing the cost. She visited bi-monthly, trying not to miss a chance. And it worked, it did. For the first two months, she got to see Jinsol often, and they talked. And Jinsol was having so much fun. Every time Jungeun was in her new apartment, she always ran into Sooyoung and Haseul and they were cheery and so, so, respectful. It was a change of pace from the couple, a new world. Sooyoung and Haseul were unapologetically themselves, much more confident than Jinsol and Jungeun were. In fact, at first, they hadn’t even told the two girls they were dating. Although, it had been getting quite obvious. Does ‘just a friend’ visit and spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with Jinsol? 

And then they got caught making out and the jig was up pretty quickly, because how do you explain away that? Just a friendly kiss with a good friend? Plus, if the lesbian flag in Haseul’s room said anything, Jungeun was quite aware that neither Sooyoung nor Haseul had a single problem with it at all. Haseul had a girlfriend, and Sooyoung didn’t really care much for dating. But she had a cute bisexual pin on her denim jacket that she wore whenever she went out, alongside a pin that had Kermit sipping a cup of tea (Jungeun had let out the most embarrassing laugh when she had first seen it). 

Needless to say, Jinsol was really coming around with her own sexuality. Her new blazer had cute cuff links in the bisexual colours that she had worn out one day, and Jungeun had tugged at the sleeves in the hallway of the apartment, pulling her closer and kissing her.

The apartment and the centre of a bustling college life became the most peaceful part of Jungeuns life. Back home she was busy constantly, juggling her work shifts while taking care of her younger brother (he was sixteen but coddled endlessly by her parents). She never saw Jaeho anymore, him only returning on the odd weekend and sometimes that was when Jungeun was at the girl’s place, and other times she only got to run into him and chat on a late Friday evening after she had closed up the cafe. 

And then she met Jiwoo, who stumbled into the café while it was lashing rain, hair damp. She trudged up to the counter shyly, tapping her fingers against her phone and Jungeun decided to be a good employee and not get annoyed at how long she was taking to order. 

“Oh,” Jiwoo had sighed in relief out of the blue, “Uhm. Are you Jungeun?” 

Jungeun had blinked at the girl, then pointed at her nametag with a grim smile. “That’s me, yep!”

“Thank God,” Jiwoo had mumbled, “Jinsol said you worked here.”

“Jinsol?” Jungeun peered at the girl properly. “I’m sorry, what’s your name?” 

“I’m Jiwoo,” Jiwoo introduced herself with a grand smile, “I’m friends with Jinsol and the girls! Jinsol mentioned you worked here and I was asked to train the kids here in taekwondo as part of my course…..she said you would be a nice friendly face?”

“Well,” Jungeun smiled kindly. “That’s cool! I can show you around later if you want? My shift ends at four, just give me your number and let me know?”

“Thank you,” Jiwoo had replied happily, looking far calmer. “Uhm yeah, I will. But I do actually want a coffee, too.”

“Perfect,” Jungeun nodded, “what would you like?”

Ever since then, Jungeun had one person around that made her feel less, well, alone, she supposes. And she felt so much more comfortable having Jiwoo around, who knew about Jungeun and Jinsol, about everything, but also knew her boundaries and didn’t talk about it. Jiwoo had awkwardly confessed that she and Sooyoung were sort of but not really together because they were both far too focused on school to do much. And Jungeun had listened happily, much happier to listen to gay news than boring heterosexual relationship drama like she always had to at work. Turns out that Jiwoo was still crushing on someone from her old school - Heejin. But the girl was dating someone else, Hyunjin, and the two were so in love that it was ‘so disgustingly adorable’. 

Despite finally making a friend who made her happy, it had sort of….made things worse. Her parents easily disapproved of Jiwoo, seeing as the girl hadn’t even bothered to try and hide who she was. After all, she wasn’t a resident of this town, she didn’t grow up with the same prejudices or ideas. She was very much out and proud and Jungeuns parent’s hated her for it. Jungeun had been ridiculed time after time for ‘associating with those people’ among other less favourable terms and sentences that she had never once relayed to Jiwoo, of course. She just took the insults and shoved them down, tried to swallow the absolute pain of their homophobia and how she was stuck here, still, alone. Jiwoo would head back to the city and live in the dorms with pride, while Jungeun had the fear of the world on her shoulders. 

She just felt so fucking alone constantly. She rarely spoke anymore, completely silent. She didn’t tell Jinsol, though, who seemed to be having the time of her life. Jungeun witnessed the crazy stories Jinsol told, how she would ramble on about all the eccentric and lovely people she was meeting, how she felt so much more comfortable in Seoul than anywhere else. Jungeun was grateful for Jinsol and her new life, how much calmer and happier Jinsol was now than before. But Jungeun couldn’t join in on the feeling. She was not making the steps towards pride that Jinsol was. She could go to the city, reside in the apartment and go on dates, hold Jinsols hand and kiss her and feel okay there, but beneath all that, she was still terrified - maybe even more than she was before. 

She was terrified that the gap between her and Jinsol was no longer just physical. She was worried that Jinsol would see the differences between the two, how Jungeun could barely hold Jinsols hand in public and think she deserves better. And part of Jungeun thinks yeah, maybe she does. Jinsol deserves the best, deserves everything, and Jungeun is terrified she will never be enough. 

She sits through it all, anyways. She shows up week after week, happy and joyful because she isn’t unhappy with Jinsol, in fact, being with Jinsol and her friends is probably the only semblance of joy she has left in life. Work is getting harder and harder day by day as she’s given longer and longer hours, overtime being counted more often than not. 

By the fifth month in, it’s February and Jungeun is yet again going to the station, getting ready to get in and sit around, nervous and jittery for the weekend ahead. Her nerves have gone to insane levels, everything making her anxious that she had barely even been able to make it to the train station on time because she was so damn worried. Her parents had, once again, tried to make her stay at home under the pretence of ‘housework’ but Jungeun had vehemently opposed to it. Weekends were her time, always. And she’s getting pretty fucking tired of her parents trying to find reasons to make her stay home and do work for them while they were off doing who knows what. They may both be employed, but Jungeun isn’t sure if they’re _that_ busy. She thinks maybe they’re the lazy ones, after all. 

Jinsol is, as usual, waiting for her and hugs her within mere seconds of seeing each other. Jungeun sighs with relief, body sagging at the comfort that Jinsol is offering. Neither she nor Jinsol let themselves let go for a few moments. She pulls away, tugging at the straps of her backpack and offering her girlfriend a careful smile. Jinsol looks down at her, the pad of her thumb rubbing Jungeuns hand. All it takes is ten minutes and it’s like everything is a little better. Jinsol looks around them subtly, eyes flickering quickly before she leans down and places a quick peck on Jungeuns lips.

They walk to Jinsols apartment, talking quietly as they go, Jinsol updating her on her course and her papers due, and the clubs’ shes apart of. Jinsol meandered into the topic of work, praising her coworkers. Jinsol had managed to work at a bookshop that was connected to a café, and had slyly mentioned that maybe Jungeun could work there - she would ask the manager. Jungeun had smiled, her heart bursting with relief because her girlfriend was thinking about her, and their future and yeah, maybe something will actually work out for once. 

“Haseul’s girlfriend Gaahei is coming over, and Sooyoung had invited Jiwoo, who ended up inviting Heejin and Hyunjin - did she tell you that she and Heejin started dating? Anyways, sorry. Yeah...Uhm. Are you okay with that? We can always go out for the evening instead?” Jinsol winces at her fumbled words, but Jungeun can’t help but smile. She swings their hands as they walk and sucks in a breath. That’s a lot of people, she admits. Especially with how things are going, she’s barely coping with Jinsol as is. But she nods anyway because she’s not pushing Jinsol away from her friends. She doesn’t want to take Jinsol away from her newfound friend group, or be at fault for maybe even pushing Jinsol away from them when she looks so happy just talking about them. 

“You’ve met Gaahei, right? Is she nice?” Jungeun asks instead, letting Jinsol tug her into a random food shop. 

“I have to grab some snacks for the girls,” Jinsol explains first and Jungeun nods, “But yeah, I have. She’s lovely. She’s a foreign exchange student from the year above and she’s so sweet but quite timid. She goes by Vivi, too, so either work.” 

“Right,” Jungeun mumbles as her eyes flicker around the store nervously. It’s not exactly busy, per se, but then again it is a Saturday and Jungeun is fairly sure most students in this district are getting ready for nights out, not for group innings where they maybe drink and just chat. That seems to be Jinsols friends vibe - it’s Jinsols vibe, anyways. “Need help?” she asks, watching Jinsol stare down at a list of things. 

“God, please,” Jinsol sounds relieved, handing the list over to Jungeun. “I don’t think I’ve heard of some of those vegetables, to be honest.”

Jungeun laughs under her breath as she scans over the list briefly. “We’re having a very very big stir fry, I see,” she comments. 

“Don’t ask me, we both know I can’t cook. I just eat the leftovers,” Jinsol replies with a sheepish shrug.

“What would you do without me, huh?” Jungeun teases, guiding her girlfriend around the store until she finds the fruit and vegetable section.

“Probably wither and die from lack of attention?” Jinsol replies offhandedly, peering over Jungeuns shoulder to re-read the list. Jungeuns heart stutters, her smile raising just a little at her girlfriend’s words. “I’ll get those three you get the others?” 

“Alright, go and get them quick,” Jungeun shoos the girl away, walking around and gathering the ingredients into the basket.

She stalks around until she finds Jinsol staring at the array of bell peppers in serious contemplation. 

“‘Sol?” Jungeun asks, tapping the girl on the shoulder, “You good there?” 

Jinsol twirls around, hands full and grins, “Yup! Do you have the veg?” 

“Mhm,” Jungeun sounds out through a yawn. 

“Come on,” Jinsol says quietly, taking the basket from Jungeuns hands and walking towards the checkout desks. “Did you sleep okay?” 

“Yeah,” Jungeun says, like a liar. She hadn’t slept more than two hours last night, or really any night in a few weeks. Her sleep schedule had been completely fucked over, between taking care of her brother while her parents worked and working herself, the only free time she had was from 11 o’clock in the evening onwards. “Train rides just tire me out, I guess.” 

Jinsol looks unsure but nods, grabbing Jungeuns hand absentmindedly. “And what about work?” 

“It’s good,” Jungeun mutters quietly, “We’re trying a few new recipes but nothing has stuck.”

“Any of them yours?” Jinsol asks curiously. 

“Ugh, I wish but no. I’ve given them a few ideas, so maybe eventually,” Jungeun replies. They start walking towards the apartment silently and Jungeun wonders if maybe she was being too boring. She doesn’t do much, not anything interesting anyway. Not compared to the vibrant city life Jinsol lives now. It just doesn't compare.

When they reach the apartment door, Jungeun takes Jinsols grocery bag from her hand and watches her clamour through the keys to find the one for the front door. Before she unlocks it she turns to Jungeun, “You can go to my room and lie down while I help ‘Soo put away the groceries, okay? I’ll join you in a little.” 

Jungeun doesn’t even bother opposing her girlfriend’s suggestion and nods sluggishly, following her girlfriend into the apartment. She waves happily at Haseul who’s watching something on the TV and throws a peace sign into the kitchen to Sooyoung but continues her trek to Jinsol’s room. When she enters, closing the door behind her quietly, she throws off her jacket and hangs it up on the knob, crawling into the bed and curling into the ball. 

She opens up her phone and flicks through her messages, five of which are from her brother Kangsoo, asking about the oven and where the hell the pizza was, the rest from work (she had been asked to cover a shift, but she sent a very sincere apology of ‘sorry, I’m out of town. Hope it gets sorted out’. She would rather drop dead than work seven days straight - she had worked the Sunday evening shift the last week because her manager forgot to inform her she needs her and she had to catch an earlier train home because of it). As usual, she doesn’t even open any of the ones from her father. She shoves her phone under the pillow and bundles herself up, closing her eyes and letting out a sigh. 

Jinsol appears a few moments later, lying down carefully beside Jungeun and wrapping her arms around the girl. She rubs the sleeping girl’s arms, pressing a careful kiss to her cheek and opening up her phone, letting Jungeun sleep for a while before everyone arrives. 

  
  


\---------------

  
  


Jungeun showers and gets changed into less crumpled clothes before joining her girlfriend and her friends in the living room. She shufflers in shyly, fixing her shirt as a distraction. Jinsol is the first to see her, beckoning her over and onto the couch right beside her. Haseul seems to still be invested in whatever she had been watching earlier, her chin against her knees as she stares at the screen. When she catches sight of Jungeun she reaches for the remote, pausing the TV and greeting the girl kindly. 

“Jungeun!” She exclaims happily, “How are you?”

“Pretty good,” Jungeun hums, “How are things here?”

“Good! I got the next few days off ‘cause I binge wrote my essays due,” Haseul grinned, pushing some hair out of her face. She slaps her kneecap before sitting up properly, “That being said, I have to go get changed,” she announces. 

Jungeun awkwardly waves at her and then promptly buries her face into her hands, groaning, “Fuck me, how does she not hate me?” 

Jinsol laughs loudly, wrapping an arm around Jungeuns shoulder and pulling her in. “I dunno if that’s possible, babe. You’re just a little….awkward.”

“I’m usually not this bad, though, “ Jungeun whines, “We get along just fine _most_ of the time.”

“Hey, you didn’t cut her with the knife on purpose, she just freaked out! Honestly, it wasn’t that deep, either,” Jungeun shrugs, waving it off.

“She had to get stitches, Jinnie,” Jungeun deadpans. 

“That’s neither here nor there. You get them for anything!” Jinsol replies, rolling her eyes. 

Jungeun chokes out a laugh of disbelief, shifting her position to get more comfortable. Jinsol holds her closer, chin resting against her girlfriend's head. 

“Oh,” Jinsol mumbles, “Gaahei is inviting her friend and his boyfriend, by the way.” 

“Can this apartment even fit that many people?” Jungeun asks. 

“Guess we’ll find out,” Jinsol shrugs against Jungeun.

“Great, can’t wait,” Jungeun replies sarcastically. “Where’s Sooyoung by the way?”

“She’s in the kitchen making the dinner,” Jinsol replies.

“I’ll go help her,” Jungeun says, sitting up and brushing off the lint on her jeans. She looks down at Jinsol who’s pouting at the loss of her girlfriend’s touch and rolls her eyes, leaning down to give her a quick kiss on the lips. “The poor girl deserves some help.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jinsol mutters, smiling up at Jungeun. “Come back quick?” 

“I’ll try,” Jungeun promises teasingly. She heads to the kitchen silently, leaning against the door for a second before announcing her presence. “Need any help?” 

Sooyoung jumps, twirling around and holding a knife out in front of her. “Jesus fuck! Jungeun, hey,” she yelps, putting down the knife. “Yeah, I could. Can you just cut up the vegetables?”

Jungeun nods eagerly, walking closer to Sooyoung and grabbing a knife to start cutting the mushrooms up. “How’s work going?” 

“Can’t complain, just a heft workload, you know?” Sooyoung replies easily, shrugging. “How are _you_? Jiwoo mentioned you seemed a little run down lately.” 

“Just busy,” Jungeun answers quickly. “There’s a lot going on.”

“Your parents?” Sooyoung asks, looking at Jungeun for a few seconds. Jungeun doesn’t look back. It's sort of odd, the dynamic between Sooyoung and Jungeun. Sooyoung had a smart head on her shoulders, and she had seen Jungeun, all those months ago and seemed to have automatically caught onto the girls inner turmoil. Instead of confronting Jungeun, she just...checked in. Asked questions subtly. She never a good answer back, all of them evading the truth. 

“A little,” she replies tersely, “It’s not that bad. Just frustrating.”

“I getcha,” Sooyoung replies softly, “I’m sure things will let up eventually.”

Jungeun doesn’t think so, really. Her parents weren’t getting any easier, in fact, if anything, it was just getting worse. They were okay in some regards, but in the grand scheme of things, Jungeun doesn’t think they care much for her. They hadn’t even objected to her spending her birthday with her friends a few weeks ago instead of family. They didn’t even text her. Except for Kangsoo. 

“So, no one in the dating scene?” Jungeun asks instead, trying to change the topic. 

Sooyoung tenses up immediately, looking at Jungeun with palpable confusion. “Jinsol didn’t tell you?”

Jungeun stares at Sooyoung blankly for a few moments, “Tell me what?”

“I’m uh, I’m aromantic, Jung,” Sooyoung replies awkwardly, pausing her movements. 

“Shit, I’m sorry I didn’t know,” Jungeun apologises immediately, going straight in for a hug. She wraps her arms around Sooyoung tightly, holding her close and nodding. She pats Sooyoungs back before pulling away. “Well then, uh. Any...good friends, if you get me?” 

Sooyoung rolls her eyes, smiling teasingly, “Why, you interested?” 

Jungeun chokes, trying to hold back a laugh before bursting out in a fit. Sooyoung joins in easily, bumping Jungeun with her shoulder. “I’m kidding, you and Jinsol are end game, I could never disturb such a dynamic,” Sooyoung teases. 

“I mean,” Jungeun pauses, her cheeks blushing bright red. “Jinsol and I haven’t, we-”

“Huh,” Sooyoung sounds surprised, “Any reason or just not the right vibe for you guys?” 

“We’re in no rush,” Jungeun shrugs, “There are other things we could do.”

“Better than sex?” Sooyoung asks, unsure and completely amused. 

“I think literally everything is better than sex.”

“What?” Sooyoung laughs in disbelief. “Whatever works for you guys. It’s none of my business. As you said, there’s no rush.”

“True,” Jungeun mumbles, finishing up her last piece of broccoli. “Are they ready to go on?” 

“Yeah, but we won’t cook it until everyone is here first,” Sooyoung explains, putting her knife down and going to wash her hands. Jungeun follows her, chattering to the girl quietly as she does so. They keep talking as they walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, where Jungeun takes her place beside Jinsol, Sooyoung flopping down on the armchair, her legs dangling over the arm as she keeps talking.

“I think it starts Friday week at nine? We haven’t been told yet. I can send you the recording if you want?” Sooyoung offers Jungeun. 

“Send what?” Jinsol asks, looking up from her phone. 

“Walkthrough of a site,” Sooyoung explains, “They’re recording it for the people who can’t navigate through the rocky terrain. It’s only being mapped out after an archaeology dig.” 

“Is that mandatory?” Jungeun asks curiously, grabbing Jinsols hand without thinking, holding it tightly. 

“In most places, yeah. Especially ‘cause this place was so old before it was bought and torn down,” Sooyoung grimaces, “I hated that they did that, though. So much history down the drain.” 

“True,” Jungeun agreed, “But yeah, please do send me that. Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, honestly. Happy to be of service,” Sooyoung smiles widely, swinging her feet. 

“They’re on their way up,” Haseul announces, appearing from her bedroom, putting on an earring as she speaks. She stumbles a little, the floor slippery with her socks on. 

The girls nod, waiting around until everyone arrives. When the buzzer goes off, Haseul is the first to open the door, letting everyone in. Jungeun waves at them as they enter, her smile widening when she sees Jiwoo appear, a hand holding what must be Heejin’s, Hyunjin on the other side.

“Jungeun?” the voice sounded quite like Jaeho’s, and upon closer inspection, Jungeun realises that fuck, it IS Jaeho. Jaeho and his boyfriend, holding hands. A boyfriend Jungeun had not been informed about. 

“...Jaeho?” Both Jungeun and Jinsol exclaim, sitting up and letting go of each other in a flash. Said guy’s eyes flicker between the couple, his eyes flashing with recognition. 

“You guys are dating?” He grins, looking beyond excited at the turn of events. But then he looks at Jungeun and frowns. “How come you never told me after I came out to you?” 

“You _knew_?” Jinsol blurts out, shoving Jungeun over. “Dude, I didn’t know you liked guys! Welcome to the gay club. Did you hear that Chaeyoung brought her girlfriend home to town and her parents actually accepted her?” 

Jaeho gasped in surprise, “No fucking way! Don’t they go to church every Sunday? I swear I saw them at an anti-lgbt protest a few years ago!”

Jinsol nodded vehemently, “Right? God, imagine how many others there are!”

The rest of the group stare at the trio, looking between the three of them with complete confusion. The three of them seemed to be in a little bubble of disbelief, looking at one another in relief and joy.

“Oh my God,” Jungeun mumbles, slapping the couch with her hand, “I was gonna tell you the next time we met up, I promise.”

Jaeho waves the girl off, shrugging plainly. “You’re not obligated to. I’m just glad my hunch was correct. You two are cute. How long have you guys been dating?”

Jinsol and Jungeun look at each other, wondering _yeah, how long has it been?_

“Over two years,” Jinsol guesses, “Sounds about right.” 

Jungeun nods in agreement, trying to hold back a laugh of disbelief. “I’m so glad you got a boyfriend. Which,” Jungeun flashes the said boyfriend a smile, “Hi, What’s your name?” 

“Oh,” Said unnamed boyfriend stutters, “I’m Jun,” he replies, attempting to smile. 

“Hi Jun,” Jungeun and Jinsol chorus, giggling to themselves. 

“Right,” Haseul draws out, “And this is Heejin, Hyunjin and Vivi. You know Jiwoo.”

“Call me Gaahei, if you’d like,” Vivi speaks up shyly. 

“It’s so nice to meet you finally, Gaahei,” Jungeun replies and then turns to Heejin and Hyunjin. “Do you want the shovel talk?” 

“Jung that’s really not necessary,” Jiwoo sighs, shaking her head. Jungeun only shrugs in response, smiling innocently. 

“So yes, We’re all gay and probably hungry so Jungeun and I will start with dinner, someone crack open the wine but _please_ save me some, alright?” Sooyoung all but pleads, sitting up and pulling Jungeun out of the TV room. 

Nothing eventful really happens after that, everyone just talks amongst themselves and eats peacefully. There ‘s no drama, they all just complain about ignorance and college, and Jungeun sits back and listens, feeling completely foreign in the same room as people who are nearly all the same age as her. They all talk about how much their professors are kicking their asses, cracking jokes about the clubs they’re in and the people they’ve met. It’s not that Jungeun has much to say, she only really speaks up when Jaeho and her chat privately for a while. 

All things considered, Jungeun is far less stressed about the night than she thought she would be. She considers that a success. It’s like how she wishes every night could end, but the only time it happens is every Saturday night twice a month, and then the rest of the evenings are spent hoping for the time to come yet again.

She and Jinsol get ready for bed together, talking quietly as they do so. Jungeun opens up her drawer, pulling out a pair of pyjamas and changing while Jinsol is in the bathroom. Her hair is thrown up into a ponytail, make-up was taken off in the bathroom with Jinsol by her side. She grabs her toothbrush - that’s right, she has a toothbrush at Jinsols! - and they brush their teeth in silence. When that’s done, they shut off the light and climb into bed, talking about their plans for the next day. They had decided they would stay in, Jungeun admitting she was pretty tired and maybe they could just stroll in the nearby park hand in hand for a while. Other than that, she and Jinsol just agreed on a lazy day in bed. 

The plans are ruined very quickly. The couple had fallen asleep at around two, (the earliest Jungeun has fallen asleep in quite some time) when Jungeuns phone rings aggressively at the bedside. Jungeuns hand flies out, her sight blurry as she tries to shut it the fuck up. She stares at the screen, Jinsol groaning at her side, pleading for her to turn it off and go back to sleep. But her mom’s name is blinking repeatedly, calling once again after she denies it. Jungeun decides to bite the bullet, and answers the damn call. 

“Hello?” She asks hoarsely, her voice thick with sleep. 

“Jungeun?” Her mother’s voice crackles through with poor reception, “Jungeun, I think you need to come home early.”

“Huh? What, why?” Jungeun sits up quickly, Jinsol staring at her confused. 

“Kangsoo fell down the stairs and he really hurt himself badly,” Her mother begins, “But your dad and I have to head to work tomorrow - well, today, so we really need you to come home and take care of him.” 

Jungeun bites her lip in contemplation, looking at Jinsol apologetically, “Okay, I’ll get the morning train. Are you with him right now?” 

“Yes, we’re waiting for some information. He hit his head quite badly. We weren’t at home. If only you-”

Jungeun interrupts her mom quickly, “Well, I wasn’t. I’ll take the next train at seven, mom. See you then.” 

She doesn’t let her mom say anything else before hanging up the phone, setting it back down on the bedside table. She turns over to look at Jinsol, who seems to have gotten the gist of what’s happening. But Jungeun explains anyway, telling her girlfriend that Kangsoo was in the hospital. Jinsol only nods, rubbing a hand up and down Jungeuns arm, knowing it helps Jungeun calm down. 

“I’ll come with you,” Jinsol offers immediately, leaning around to grab her phone. “I have a discount code and everything.” 

“You don’t have to-” Jungeun protests. 

“Well, I want to,” Jinsol cuts in with, completely serious. “Plus, we didn’t get nearly enough time together yesterday. If I can still spend time with you even like this, then I’m not mad. Even if I have to go back to homophobia town”

“If you’re sure,” Jungeun sighs, watching Jinsol pay for her ticket on the phone. Jungeun does the same, opening up her phone to try and change her train time. When it’s all done, she drops her phone back down and curls into Jinsol’s side, completely exhausted. They had slept for three fucking hours, and she now had to go back home and take care of her brother instead of spending time with her girlfriend and their friends. 

Jinsol holds Jungeun close, hugging her tightly. They were about to have a long day ahead of them.

  
  


\-----------

  
  


The train only takes an hour, luckily, so they arrive at ‘Homophobia Town’ as Jinsol had kindly dubbed it at just past 8 am. They sling their backpacks on their back and exit the train, re-scanning their tickets as they leave the station. Neither holds the other’s hand, a small gap in between them as they begin to walk to Jungeuns car and sit in it. They don’t talk much as they walk to Jungeuns home, immediately reverting to their year-old habits. 

“Do your parents know you’re back home?” Jungeun finally asks, opening her front door. 

“God, I hope not,” Jinsol replies quickly, rolling her eyes at the mere mention of them. She hadn’t come back since Christmas, a mandatory holiday. Other than that she just claimed to be too busy for time to get back home to visit. 

They walk up the stairs to Kangsoo’s room, catching him wide awake with a book in his hands. For the next few days, he wouldn’t be able to use any devices, the light too bright for his sensitive eyes. On the bright side, Jungeuns mom and dad would be able to take care of him while Jungeun was in work. 

“Hye, how you feelin’?” she asked her brother, Jinsol peering in behind her. 

“Sick but okay, it’s not that bad,” he rolled his eyes with a shrug, knowing how his parents were prone to overreacting at times. 

“If you need me, just yell okay? Jinsol and I are in my room,” Jungeun lets the younger know, keeping the door open just a tad, knowing she wouldn’t be able to hear him otherwise. With that done, she leads her and Jinsol to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her and brushing a hand through her hair. Jinsol steps closer to her, pressing a kiss to her girlfriend’s forehead and giving her a tight hug. Jungeun leans into it silently, closing her eyes at the feeling of comfort. 

Jinsol pulls away a few moments later, her hand cupping Jungeuns cheek, rubbing it with the pad of her thumb softly. “I never said it yesterday,” she whispers, “But I missed you a lot. And I love you, so much.”

“I love you, too,” Jungeun replies immediately, peering up at her girlfriend. She stands up a little higher on her feet, looking between Jinsol’s lips and eyes, head leaned to the side asking for a sign. Jinsol nods, smiling happily and Jungeun immediately leans closer, pulling her in for a kiss and wrapping her arms around Jinsol’s neck. 

Jungeun’s back is pressed against the door, Jinsol’s hand moving from her cheek down to her hip, placing them there carefully. The pads of her thumbs rub at her skin, causing goosebumps to appear at the sensation against Jungeun’s skin. Jungeun pulls Jinsol in closer, somehow, one hand snaking down to wrap around Jinsol’s waist, pressing her closer. She toys at the end of Jinsols shirt, tugging at it before pressing her hand against the bare skin of Jinsol’s lower back. And Jinsol moans quietly, but Jungeun is just so fucking happy. She had missed Jinsol so much, missed kissing her and touching her, and just well, being with her. 

But Jungeun pulls away before they go any further, resting her forehead against Jinsol’s and breathing in deeply, Jinsol copying her actions. “I love you,” Jungeun says again. 

Jinsol smiles softly, “I really, really love you too.” 

Jungeun awkwardly takes her hand out from under Jinsol’s shirt, smiling crookedly. “I have to find the document my mom was talking bout for the hospital insurance,” she sighs, leaning her head against Jinsol’s shoulder with a groan. “Why can’t I just make out with you instead?” 

“The world is homophobic, I’m telling you,” Jinsol replies jokingly. “But I’ll wait here, I know how your mom gets about her things.” 

“Yeah,” Jungeun mutters, letting go of her girlfriend and opening her bedroom door once again. “I’ll be back in a few. You should take a nap,” she tells Jinsol, who rolls her eyes. 

Jungeun shuts the door behind her and walks to her parent’s bedroom, opening and closing drawers, shuffling through the junk drawers searching for this random card her mom had said was ‘somewhere in my room’. Well, Jungeun’s fairly sure that is one of the vaguest sentences her mother has ever said. And yet, she’s not even surprised. 

By the fourth random junk drawer, Jungeuns hands hit a pile of envelopes. They’re A4, and pretty thick. Her curiosity peaks as she pulls them out from the darkness of the drawer. She reads the address on the first one, and her heart drops. Hands shaking, she tears open the seal and pulls out the papers. 

Her college applications. 

The college applications she had given to her mother over a year ago, asking her to post them. The ones her mother had reassured her that she had sent, and yet, these are the exact colleges that didn’t respond to her. Her mom had fucking sabotaged her college career - maybe her Dad, too. Who even knows at this point. And for what? Why wouldn’t they send the applications? 

Jungeun doesn’t know what to do, because suddenly she’s transported to a year ago, the complete and utter confusion of no news from a single college. The shame, the guilt, the self-loathing. She thinks back at all the feelings she’s suppressed in the past year, how it all had boiled down to the fact that she nothing to hold onto except a shitty minimum wage job at a local café and no fucking college course to talk about. She was completely isolated from everyone she knew and for what? Why had her parents done that? 

Her hands won’t stop shaking, she knows it, but the tears aren’t falling and maybe Jungeun should be more worried about that. But more than anything, she’s angry. She’s so mad because maybe she did actually work hard enough, but her parents had stolen it all away from her. She sniffles quietly and walks back to her room slowly, the anger sizzling under her skin, completely throwing away the thoughts about the stupid fucking medical card she needs to find because this is pretty important, too. She’s important! She is! Why the fuck do her parents not care about her? Or her future? Why is she caring more than her parents? Is this not why she was born? To be raised to learn, to succeed? 

She opens the door, Jinsol looking at her with a wide, happy smile. “Did you find it?” 

“No,” Jungeun croaks out, and okay, yeah, maybe she will cry. She walks closer and puts the envelopes in her girlfriend’s lap, gesturing towards them sadly. “Look.”

Jinsol stares down at them for a few seconds completely silently, then picks the first one up, reads the address, looks up at her girlfriend in complete disbelief. She does it again with the next one, and the next one, and then the next fucking one because that’s right. They’re all there. Every single one. Not one of Jungeun’s applications was posted. 

Jungeun knows her mom is forgetful, but this is impossible? How could you forget your daughter’s college applications? 

“Is this fucking serious?” Jinsol curses out, flicking through the eight envelopes, staring at them with wide eyes. She looks up at Jungeun, the way her girlfriends lips quiver and her eyes are welling up and she sighs, “Baby,” so gently, pulling her girlfriend in by the waist and holding her. it’s the same as it was over a year ago, and Jungeun still can’t help but think about how painful this all is. how betrayed she feels. And she cries, because she’s fucking angry and sad, and disappointed. She’s feeling everything, and it all boils down to complete hatred for her parents. 

Jinsol lets her cry it out, much as she had before. Jinsol can feel the sadness emanating off of her girlfriend, and even more so the anger. “I am so sorry, Jungie. I really am.”

Jungeun doesn’t reply immediately, she just hiccups and sniffles, holding her girlfriend even tighter than before. It’s only after an additional ten minutes that Jungeun finally pulls away with a sigh. “Jinsol?” she asks quietly. 

“Yeah?” 

“I think it’s time I move out,” Jungeun admits. 

“Good. You deserve better than this, you do. And I wish I could help more. And I will, I promise. I’ll be there when to talk to your parents and when you quit work….no matter what, okay?” Jinsol replies, looking at her girlfriend as sincerely as she possibly can, trying to fully express how much she means her words. 

Jungeun nods silently once again, gripping Jinsol’s hands tightly. She rolls her shoulders, hearing the crack and wincing but Jinsol just moves one hand, rubs her shoulder and looks at her so carefully, so full of love, that it makes things a little less painful, a little bit more bearable. 

“I’ll talk to them this evening, I should probably pack up, though…” Jungeun trails off, looking around her room at her belongings. Most importantly, her stacks upon stacks of books, her notebook collection among other things: like her closet. 

“We can do it. Things can stay in the car and…we can look at finding a place just for us soon then, right?” Jinsol asks, sounding hopeful. Jungeun smiles despite it all, the mere thought of living with the love of her life making her thoughts a little less stormy. 

“Right,” Jungeun agrees fondly. “Let’s hope I can get a job in the city.”

“You will,” Jinsol nods absolutely. “I told you yesterday I would talk to the manager.” 

“Thank you, really,” Jungeun replies sincerely. Jinsol just smiles in response, giving one of those shrugs as if to say, 'well it’s the least I could do.' Because it is, there is very little she wouldn't do for Jungeun. And even then, she's pretty sure she would help Jungeun break out of prison or bury a body - especially if it was...two people in particular. 

“This isn’t exactly a romantic day in or anything, but maybe we should start packing soon…” Jinsol trails off, Jungeun nodding in agreement. The two hop off the bed, Jinsol steadying her girlfriend who had stumbled briefly. The take separate sides of the room, picking and choosing and putting them in piles. Kangsoo demands very little attention, so they’re generally undisturbed for the best part of the day. The main things are fit into the car, where they will likely stay until Jungeun and Jinsol find a new place. But that doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that Jungeun is leaving, and Jinsol has never been more relieved about anything in her life. 

She tells the girls over the phone while Jungeun is in the kitchen making the dinner, Jinsol chatting in the hallway, trying to explain it in the simplest terms: her girlfriends’ parents purposely didn’t send her college applications. Because yes, that sounds totally normal. Of course, it does. 

It doesn’t. 

It sounds absolutely insane, completely stupid, and far off of what should be the true reality. But this is Jungeun’s reality, this is her life. And Jinsol hates it. Hates how her girlfriend’s parents have treated her with so little respect. Jinsol hates everything about this town, and she's starting to realise that maybe she will never be able to forget what people have done to them here, and that maybe this whole time she forgot about how Junguen must have felt here, alone. She was alone, and Jinsol wondered if she had helped at all. Jinsol hopes, above all, that Jungeun would never dream of doing anything but being with her. No matter where they both were, no matter the distance. She would walk there if she had to. If Jungeun could do what she had done for Jinsol, Jinsol thinks it's clear that there is nothing she wouldn't do for her girlfriend. That included her leaving behind a shitty family that thought taking away a future for their child was okay. 

Jinsol knows, above all, that she will never forget to let Jungeun feel alone. Not just because they have each other in every way possible, always. Not just physically, with the presence of each other. But with her words, her support, her love. 

When Jungeuns parents get home, the four of them sit down at the table after dinner is consumed, Jungeuns mother is the first to speak up, asking about the fatal medical card. 

“No,” Jungeun replies coldly. “But I found my college applications, so I suppose that’s one mystery finally fucking solved, isn’t it?” 

Her parent’s gape at her, completely surprised at her outburst. It wasn't that Jungeun was a silent kid, she would just rather not risk conflict, choosing compliance over danger. she called it being _smart._ But it seemed it didn't matter how smart she was, where parents just didn't care. 

“Jungeun,” Her dad begins, “You have to understand…” he trails off, looking at his wife for support. 

“We needed someone at home, to take care of everything. We were going to resend them this year, and we were sure you would’ve gotten accepted to at least one of them.” Her mother attempts to explain to no avail. "Jungeun, you have to look at this from our perspective..."

“That is bullshit,” Jungeun hisses, not even bothering to try and listen to her parents’ excuses. She has listened to them for years. They couldn't make her matches? That's fine, they were busy. They couldn't make the award ceremony that Jungeun won an award at, despite Jungeun knowing the parents are informed in advance? That hurt, of course. But they had said they were _busy._ They were always busy. 

Jinsol sits there silently, watching the scene unfold with one hand resting in her girlfriends under the table. The atmosphere is so tense, almost suffocating, and Jinsol sort of understands why she was always kept at a distance. She never really stayed for dinner, usually, they opted for takeaway to avoid the parents. It was all starting to make sense. Without realising it, Jungeun had been protecting Jinsol all along. Jinsol doesn't know if she should appreciate that or be terrified that she had to be protected from Jungeuns _parents_ , who were meant to care for you. Not ruin you with the days going by. 

“Jinsol, perhaps you should leave,” Jungeun’s mother suggests awkwardly, setting down her chopsticks. Jinsol is about to speak up, part of her wanting to say ' _how about you fucking leave and go to Hell, bitch?'_ and another part of her wants to rub salt in the wound and tell her homophobic girlfriend's mother than they're dating, and also made out on the exact counter she had used to make this dinner twenty minutes before Jungeuns parents had come home from work. But before she can even start to speak, Jungeun cuts in.

“Nope,” Jungeun replies, “I’m the one leaving. You thin you can pull this and it would be okay? Are you guys insane?”

“Leave?” Jungeun’s dad splutters, “And where the hell are you going to go?”

“I’ll figure it out,” Jungeun shrugs standing up. Her parents protest, their seats were thrown back as they follow Jungeun and Jinsol out of the kitchen and down the hallway. Jungeun, in one last attempt at a further fuck you, grabs Jinsols hand tightly, leading her in a rush out of the house, feet pounding against the floor as they go. In an off-hand thought, Jungeun wonders what Kangsoo must be thinking or doing. What will he think of her, now that she's gone? Will he hate her despite everything she has done for him? She shakes the thought away, despite the little bit of guilt she feels leaving him behind. Her parents keep yelling until Jungeun opens the front door, and suddenly they shut up. It’s the only time Jungeun appreciated her parents fear of the town’s judgement. Because really, they can’t make a scene, they can’t chase her or yell at her because they’re outside now. And that has its own power. Jungeun finally has power, after all this time. 

She unlocks the car, closing the car door behind her and turning on the engine without saying a word, panting deeply as her hands shake. She grips the wheel tightly before pulling away, driving away from her house and out of the fucking town for good. She doesn't even look out the rearview mirror, not once.

Instead, she looks over at Jinsol, who despite it all, is sporting a proud smile. 

“You’re amazing, Jungie,” She praises, sending her girlfriend an affectionate smile. “I’m so proud of you, I am. As much as I hate that you had to do this, I’m still proud.”

“Thank you,” Jungeun mumbles shyly, keeping her eyes on the road. Jinsol turns on the radio, letting the sounds submerge their overbearing thoughts. 

Jungeun had done it, finally. 

She had left behind the greatest cause of destruction in her life. That town, it didn’t matter anymore. She would never go back. And her heart burst with joy, adrenaline pumping at the thought of finally having a future she wanted. A real future, with Jinsol, and friends, and a college degree. Jungeun had always thought she would have to clammer away, fighting tooth and nail at her rate, walking the miles and miles. Maybe she should start realising how strong she actually is. 

\------------

The couple arrived at the apartment at ten at night, Jungeun parking in the apartment complexes underground facilities. She turned the engine off, looked over at her girlfriend only to find Jinsol looking straight at her already. She leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to her girlfriend’s lips, nothing like the kiss after Seoksoo’s party or otherwise. It was safe, it was careful, it was full of love. It was _free_. 

“Thank you,” Jungeun said quietly. 

“You don’t have to thank me for supporting you, babe. I love you, and I will do anything for you,” Jinsol replies seriously, looking her girlfriend straight in the eyes once again. 

“I love you, too.” 

Neither girl bothers to carry any of the things Jungeun brings up to the apartment, the couple deciding that was a problem for another time. They just stand in the elevator, hands holding each other tightly, completely quiet but peaceful, maybe a little bit of anxiety, of course, until the sound dings for their stop. They get out together, hands swinging in tandem as they walk down the hallway. The lights of the hallway glimmer against the wall, a heavy feeling taking over until Junguen looks up at Jinsol, careful and gentle. Sometimes Jungeun forgets to properly look at Jinsol, her mind racing. But right there, under the dim hallway lights, Jinsol is reminded of the absolute striking beauty of Jinsol, and how everything the girl does still has an effect on Jungeun. It's always there, in the little and big things, like how while Jungeun watches quietly as Jinsol takes her keys out of her pocket, Jinsol still finds a way to hold her hand and squeeze it tightly. 

“I can’t wait to get keys cut for you, too,” Jinsol says, smiling at Jungeun before turning the key in the lock, opening the door and letting her and Jungeun in. Jungeun lets Jinsol lock the door behind her, not letting go of her hand once. She doesn’t see Sooyoung or Haseul, who she knows for a fact would usually be awake. They had probably retreated to their rooms to give the couple some space, not wanting to overwhelm them after the sudden turn of events. 

Jinsol leads them to the bathroom, and they follow the exact same routine as always. The air is silent, the two working quietly together, feeling the complete safety of one another’s presence as they go through the motions until they’re both lying in bed, Jungeun in Jinsol’s arms. Jungeun shifts slightly, snuggling closer and breathes in deeply. Her breathing feels steady, despite the sight tremors of her heart.

They end up sleeping in until nearly 2 pm, but when they wake up, walking into the kitchen, the apartment is still completely silent. And on the kitchen table is a set of keys with a red-tagged keyring, the name Jungeun printed on it neatly in cursive. She picks it up and twirls it in her hand, holding the note in her other. 

_Welcome Home, Jungeun._

It said simply, the note signed by both Haseul and Sooyoung. 

Jungeuns heart swelled with Joy, her lips rising into an involuntary smile at Haseul and Sooyoung’s kindness.

Jinsol, who had been hugging her girlfriend from behind, noses at Jungeuns cheek before pressing a soft kiss to it. 

“Welcome home, Jungie,” She whispered, voice still thick with sleep. 

Jungeun has never felt more at home than now.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! feel free to follow me on twitter or Tumblr @loonizpink


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